Zeebah, Zazie & the Zoo

Today it Starts

2012-01-31T12:47:00.000-05:00

I had vials shipped to the doctor today. Tonight, I start the meds. I can't believe the day is here. It's a little scary to realize that I've been cramming for this test that's completely out of my control through diet and acupuncture and soon I know whether I pass or I fail. I know that isn't the right terminology, but I have to admit that it feels that way. I've always had confidence in my body- it might not look perfect, but it's served me well over the years. I feel differently after learning that I might have problems getting pregnant... what the hell did I do to deserve that? Oh, yeah. Smoking for years, drinking too much, possible sh*tty heredity (my mom went into menopause early). Zazie points out that there's no way to know if any of those things contributed or whether it's just a sh*tty fluke. So whatever. How unfair that getting pregnant isn't a test you can pass through your own skill- it's just up to fate!

The docs have talked to us about the number of embryos to put in. (Knock on wood the cycle works at all). We've decided on one. We already have twins, we can't handle another set and I can't bear the thought of a "selective reduction" if we were blessed with another two. I just think about what would happen if we'd selectively reduced Ru or El... they are both so fantastic and delicious that the thought of missing out on one of them makes me teary. I feel really solid on this decision but I occasionally I get a "what if this doesn't work because we decided to put in one and I'm SOL?" I get one shot at this IVF thing. If it doesn't work, my insurance won't cover a whole additional cycle (we'd have to pay out-of-pocket for about half and we don't have money for that). So this it. The last (and only) hurrah. What kind of freaking hurrah involves weeks of doctors visits, ultrasounds, medsmedsmeds, and possibly ends in nothing but a period?

I am trying to be content in our decision. I've pulled out all my talismans. I've been wearing the Virgin Mary necklace my friend A wore for many years. I've been wearing the liger shirt I wore when we were trying with Ru and El because it reminded me of a childhood picture of our donor. Under our bed, I have dandelions from Ireland given to us by a friend who swears by her family's fertility tradition. I've been breathing deep and praying. That's all I can do for now. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

The universe is having a laugh

2011-12-12T21:50:00.001-05:00

I sent Zazie out to write Friday night, and then once I put the girls to bed, I laid in bed and cranked up Built to Spill on my iPod and wallowed and felt sorry for myself and cried for a couple of hours.

What happened the next day? The babies I already have got a stomach virus. They needed love and attention in between all the throwing up. Both of them refused any receptacle, so we were cleaning up all over the house. They even ran through all their crib sheets. Sunday, they felt better, we went to the playground,they took a long nap. Sunday night, though, we made the mistake of giving them too much dinner, and the puking began again. Oh, and my period started. I stayed home from work yesterday because Zazie got it too.

Today I'm in jury duty. What awesome! Though I have to say that being able to blog from the jury waiting area is a huge improvement over the last time I was here, when there was no wifi.

I'm feeling a little more positive about the IVF. I put it off for another cycle. I'm using the time to get acupuncture, take supplements (CoQ10, royal jelly, Wheatgrass/chlorella), cut out caffeine/ booze (seriously, what was I thinking not cutting these out?), do a detox diet. My thinking is that while I can't do anything about my amh number, I can certainly improve my fsh with diet and acupuncture and exercise. My fsh was not crazy high, just a couple points out of the normal range. I'm already feeling better with the changes and it's only been a few days. I may feel so good that I stick with it, no matter the IVF outcome.

Funny, I just didn't think of that.

2011-12-07T12:22:00.001-05:00

Bad news at the follow-up with the RE yesterday. Turns out that I have a low AMH and high FSH- both of those things are not good. AMH determines how many reserve follicles you have, FSH determines how well you might respond to treatment. The doctor said that even with IVF I have only a 10-20% chance of it working.

I'm not an optimist by nature. Those are really shitty odds, people. I'm only going to get one shot at this because we are doing this on a shoestring to start and after 1 cycle, my insurance will run out. I have to admit that this has really thrown me for a loop.

Looky Looky! That Ain't No Cookie!

2011-11-07T13:50:00.000-05:00

It's only the second week of NaBloPoMo and I've already missed several days. Honestly, with my blogging track record recently, I am happy to be blogging once a week. I'm also happy to see my traffic going up. Hi everyone!

Love Invents Us has kindly published some prompts and thank g-d for that! I will definitely use some of them this month.

After our visit with the girls' aunt this week, I wanted to talk about all the weirdness and politics that goes on in our donor sibling group with our donors' family (our open donor from the sperm bank became a known donor after he died a while back), but I started writing that post and I'm getting all tangled up. Too many things to explain to do that easily, so I will save that for later!

So let's talk about toddler eating habits.

We have a girl who eats most anything (loves BROCK-y! olives! pickles! all the things toddlers don't normally like! ) and a girl who eats very few things. We are lucky that our girl who eats very few things mainly prefers plain and/or healthy things like tofu, but she still frustrates us daily. Regular foods both of them are: pasta, tofu, plain yogurt, peanut butter (on waffles/toast), black beans and rice, hot dogs (organic chicken, beef or turkey), bananas (and other fruit- they never refuse fruit!), waffles, eggs. Ru used to eat cheese, but she's stopped that too. They don't drink juice and they only have cake or cookies or other desserts on rare special occasions.

How do we get them to eat vegetables? I'd add veg to sauces if Ru would eat sauce on anything.

We are trying so hard to keep power struggles away from the table. We offer things, but we don't push. Instead, if Ru refuses to eat what's being served, we'll give her a serving of plain yogurt or beans or something else. But seriously, she LOOKS at food and decides she's not going to eat it. There's no "just taste it"... we don't even get to that point. As girls with food issues, we want to keep our kids from struggling- especially since they will most likely have weight problems with their genes, let's be honest. We don't want them to feel pressure because we don't want them to eat every bite of something just because someone offered it (unless they want to of course). But dang, sometimes you just want to force them to eat just a bite.

Anyone have tips? Or a cookbook you like?

Oh what a blah day

2011-11-03T23:10:00.001-04:00

Went to bed on time last night, but then I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night. I can't keep my mind from whatever bad stuff is going on. Right now that's money. There's not much you can do to fix that kind of problem in the middle of the night. Consequently, I was tired and down and anxious all day, culminating in a very teary ride home. So I'm going to sleep now before it gets any later!

In under the wire

2011-11-02T22:47:00.001-04:00

Donor's sister is visiting this week. She's twenty, and being around her makes me realize how very old I am. She just teased me for watching Cosby Show as my comforting palate cleanser after the goriness of Walking Dead. Apparently, no one her age ever watched it- they all made fun of it! Ah well. At least when I check F.b in the middle of a conversation with her, she doesn't think I'm totally rude! Guess there are tradeoffs. :)

Trick or Treat!

2011-11-01T15:45:00.001-04:00

Trick or treating was a success! I have a cute video too, but I will have to wait until later to show you... I can't figure out how to move it over from F.b.

El was a bear, Ru was a kitty. We tried to use eyeliner and lipstick to give them whiskers and noses, but they flipped out, so we gave up. Our neighborhood has its own little parade. We took the girls over. El was so busy looking around at people that she kept running into strollers, curbs, and other people. Ru instantly got into the swing of trick-or-treating, but it took El a bit to warm up. After a few houses, they were ready to climb the stairs to get their treats. We didn't get them to say "trick-or-treat" but they were saying please and thank you. Polite kids make me happy.

Zazie gave them each a piece of candy corn yesterday, so all day long they were asking for more "Corn!" (they didn't get any). El carried two candy bars around in her left hand while she trick-or-treated. They'd shift, she'd set her pumpkin and the chocolates on the sidewalk, readjust the chocolates in her hand and keep walking. Thank goodness they don't know from candy yet, but I think I have a candy hangover from all that I ate last night. I think all the sugar made me catch a cold.

Ruby has started saying "yes, ma'am!"- that's a little weird, because we're not a yes ma'am no ma'am house, but sometimes, I'll say yes ma'am in response to something. Maybe that's it?

Speaking of the opposite of polite, we went to the neighborhood Chinese place to get dinner on the way back. A pre-teen came in with his buddies and he was asking the guy behind the counter how much a chicken wing costs. Guy tells him 1 wing is a dollar. Kid says Will you give me 2 for $1.50? (Uh, yeah, kid, this guy's going to barter with you) Guy doesn't respond for a minute. Kid gets belligerent, saying something like "You know, it's Bloods' week and I'm gonna tell them to come pop you." Kid turns to his friends, who are both like, no man, they're not going to come all the way out here for Chinese food. Then he's saying stuff about s*ck my *ahem* to this guy. It was all I could do to not say "look, kid, my girls don't need to hear your foul mouth," but I held my tongue. Until the kid turns to me when we're walking out the door and says "did you hear him tell me to s*ck his *ahem*?" Well, that just flipped my old lady switch. I said,"I'm sure he did NOT tell you any such thing. And you need to not be so disrespectful to him." I'm not sure what the kid thought the outcome would be, but it was clear he was a little taken aback. Thank goodness that turned out well because it so easily could've gone the other way. Preteens are scary because they're unpredictable.

Seriously?

2011-10-30T10:44:00.001-04:00

It's October. It's gonna be a long winter!

2011-10-29T08:19:00.001-04:00

Tumbl for ya.

2011-10-28T13:57:00.000-04:00

I'm on Tumblr, too, people. Here, right here: Present and Accounted For.

NaBloPoMo

2011-10-28T12:52:00.001-04:00

Jenni is a long-time blog buddy who I've known since 2003 or so (?!) when I had my other blog. She's thinking she's going to get back to blogging for this year's NaBloPoMo. I've been writing a lot this week, so I'm thinking I'm going to join her in blogging every day! Can I do it? We shall see...

So tired.

2011-10-28T10:30:00.002-04:00

El started crying at 5:45 AM this morning. The thing about El is, for the most part, if she wakes up, that's it. She cries and cries and gets so worked up that you're in for at least a half an hour or more. I went in, patted her and she laid back down. I had a feeling she'd freak out if I left, so I laid on the floor for a few minutes, willing either her or me to go back to sleep. It was quiet, I tried to leave, got all the way out to the hallway and then... she noticed. Crying, hiccuping, screaming "Mama, Mama"?? What are you going to do but go back in? El and I sat in the chair for a few minutes, but then Ru woke up too... completely awake and talking once she heard we were up. So... ugh. I turned on the lights and we got started with our day. Normally, I get at least another hour, more likely an hour and a half, more sleep. I am so sleepy. I've been trying to cut down my caffeine intake, but jeez. I've already had two cups of coffee and I think I'll go get a third.

We may have finally decided on Halloween costumes for the girls. We've been procrastinating on it... ideally, we'd make some creative costumes for them (after jeerleading for the roller derby and doing Mermaid Parade so many years, we feel a little embarrassed not doing something from scratch), but it is not to be this year. Last year, El wore the hat from a bear costume my cousin gave us- this year she's going to wear the whole thing. We put it on her this morning and she loved it, so that overrides my misgivings about wearing the same costume two years in a row! Ru's going to wear El's leopard print coat and a pair of kitty cat ears. They're going to look cute even if they're not the most uniquely dressed.

The girls' aunt (our donor's sister) comes to visit Tuesday. We are looking forward to her visit... she's a great girl and she loves our kids. I'm feeling thankful for the connections we have.

Problem Solved

2011-10-27T11:28:00.001-04:00

So that annoying thing that's been happening with the paragraph breaks, ie there haven't been any? It's because Bl.ogger opens up in html. Well, gee, if I'd noticed that, I would've put the g-d
tags in myself, now wouldn't I? Annoying. Well, now I know.

Also thanks to lovely K over at Role Playing, I finally know why I wasn't getting any comments. I mean, aside from the fact that I don't have many people reading. I think I've fixed the commenting problem. Oh, Bl.gger, you are a pain in the butt... it's a good thing you're free.

And speaking of K, she had the great idea to solve the girls' splashing, Mama steaming issue: clear shower curtain. Keep them behind it while they splash! I'll be picking up a clear shower curtain at Tar-jay next time I'm there.

In cute things, Ru came into the bathroom while I was blowdrying my hair. When I finished, she told me "good job, Mama." What a sweetie. Of course, that probably means I'm not doing the unconditional parenting thing right. Oh well, I'll take it.

I'll be honest...

2011-10-26T13:31:00.001-04:00

I'd like to go out and get a drink. Not now, silly, it's the middle of the workday. Just, you know, sometime. Go have drinks, get all buzzy, talk about stuff. You know, girl stuff. Or just stuff.

Problem is, I don't have anyone to do that with any more. The only people we know that still go out to get drinks still go out on the reg-uh-lah. They do things like go to movies and plays, go drinking, and they don't have kids. They make me feel boring, like maybe I should gloss over my completely mundane existence (which leaves me with, well, NOTHING to talk about unless they want to hear about my latest tv interests Warehouse.13, Downton Abbey, or Walking Dead). They're also not people who we know very well, so it isn't like I want to confide in them about how frustrating parenting can be, or how broke we are, or how isolated we feel. All my get a drink or come over for a drink buddies live elsewhere now. Sads.

Positive Parenting for Multiples

2011-10-25T12:52:00.000-04:00

So I mentioned I was reading Unconditional Parenting last week. I'm still reading it, though I've slowed my pace a bit. I have 2 hours' commuting a day, which leaves plenty of time to read, but I have podcasts to catch up with (WTF with Marc Maron, Risk, This American Life, Planet Money... seriously, the list of things I feel I must listen to gets longer every week) and sometimes, reading falls by the wayside. I also worry that people will see what I'm reading and think I'm one of those silly, permissive parents that lets their kids get away with murder. "Unconditional"? Bougie yuppie... The ridiculous things that pop in to my head, I swear.

Reading Teacher Tom's post, I'm thinking about the girls, obviously. We are going through a snatching, pushing, mine! phase at our house. The bloggers/educators I've been reading seem to all say that you shouldn't necessarily intervene unless someone's being hurt. You narrate, you don't praise or scold. I think we are possibly a little more adept at this than we might be if we had a singleton... if we were to intervene every time, dang, we'd be intervening every two seconds.

Slightly related: Last night when I went home, I was confronted with a challenge to my attempt to do this positive parenting thing. Bathtime.... argh! The girls have taken to splashing, splashing, splashing. At first I tried the "do that again and you'll have to get out," but they don't really seem to care if I take them out of the tub AND they keep splashing the next time. It's my fault- when they were little, I encouraged the splashing. Now that they're bigger, their splashes are getting puddles on the floor and getting me all wet. This is especially annoying because I usually still have my work clothes on. So telling them to stop and then taking them out doesn't work. They just look you in the eye, laugh, and keep doing it. Then I tried not reacting at all- maybe no attention would get them to stop? That worked for a couple of baths and now we're back to splashing. We got them more bath toys- maybe they were bored? No, they just use the boats we got to dump more water on the floor! In weaker moments, I have yelled- completely ineffective and it makes me feel terrible. Last night, I tried pointing out the water on the floor- I told them it was dangerous and that I didn't like having to clean it up. Next attempt will be separate baths. I have been putting that one off because damn... After dinner, bath, and bedtime routine, Zazie and I still have to clean up and do the dishes and I'd like some evening to chill out. Two baths instead of one just adds to the drudgery time.

I think I need to fast-forward in my book to the part where they talk about ideas for how to put unconditional parenting into action... right now, I'm still in the section about how conditional parenting can affect kids. Problem is, most of these parenting books don't talk about what to do when you've got two kids at the exact developmental stage. It's a whole different ball of wax when it's two-on-one.

First Visit

2011-10-24T11:39:00.000-04:00

We took the girls with us to the consultation. It went exactly as you might suspect a visit to the doctor with two 2 year olds might go. Yeah, that's right... the doctor and I talked while Zazie chased them around in a conference room. Kind of defeats the purpose of her coming with me... it's hard to ask questions or comment on anything when you can't hear the conversation!

I went back again yesterday for some blood work. It's just exactly the same, down to the weird, not-unpleasant smell of their freshly cleaned bathroom. Some of the procedures have changed (pay first, get your red paper and hand it to the nurse who comes to get you. They also take your picture now- I guess they must've had too many cases of insurance fraud).

At the same time, it feels much different. When we were trying (and trying...) for the girls, I went to every morning monitoring, every test, every consultation, for the most part. Now, that's just not possible because we don't have many people who are willing (or able) to watch the girls. I'm a little sad about doing everything by myself. Last time, morning monitorings led to lovely mornings wandering around the city. Now I'm by myself there and by myself back and I feel guilty wandering around because I should be home taking care of the girls since Zazie does it by herself all day when I'm at work!

I did walk from the doctor's office down to Times Square yesterday. It was so quiet. And so... surreal. Times Square is such a weird , not real New York place. There are so many chain stores and restaurants. Please, bloggers, if you are coming to New York and need someplace to eat, I will recommend a THOUSAND places to you... don't eat at Olive Garden! You can do that at home! Sorry, dropping stereotypical New Yorker crap now.

Oh, ya'll.

2011-10-20T10:57:00.001-04:00

The appointment is at 1:30pm and I'm nearly jumping out of my skin right now. We couldn't get anyone to watch the girls, so they are going with us. I was so nervous about how bringing them with us might turn out (visions of loud toddlers pulling things down in the doctor's come to mind) that I was going to go by myself, but that thought just made me sad. So Zazie's picking me up from work and then we are headed to the doctor, girls in tow. If we strap them into their strollers, that should work, right??!

I am reading Unconditional Parenting right now. My parents were fine, they did what they could do, but there are things about my parenting inclinations that I'd like to change for the girls. Maybe it's where I'm at right now (two gorgeous girls, planning on another), but this book is really getting to me... it's giving me some pretty crazy insight into the way I was raised and how that might have affected the person I am today. I'm still in the here's what not to do section, I'm assuming that he's going to give great suggestions. I highly recommend, and I'm only 1/4 of the way into it!

Our little bag lady

2011-10-13T14:36:00.001-04:00

El loves to walk around all day long with many things in her hand. This morning, it was two Halloween pumpkins (the kind for trick-or-treating), two felt purses, and a couple play silks. Yesterday, she walked around with a pair of pants and a sweater. Other days, she walks around with her play ice cream cones, or dinosaurs, or take your pick of toys, she's probably walked around with it.

Speaking of playsilks, did you know that you can dye them with kool@id? You can! Check out this awesome tutorial, complete with color recipes at Tried and True: Dyed Playsilks. I wish I'd seen this tutorial before I made the ones for the girls' birthday. Mind you, it probably wouldn't have helped, since I could only find red, orange and yellow in our neighborhood grocery. Whatevs. The pot was too small, so they're a little one-tone tye-dyed, but here's what they looked like. I felt pretty proud of myself.

Shoezen

2011-10-07T11:06:00.002-04:00

El now refers to shoes or socks as shoezen or sockzen. Where did we get this German baby?, we wondered. Oh wait! We usually say let's put on your shoes and socks. Or socks and shoes. Socks and = sockzen!But how to explain Ru's new habit of "chow" for cow. Or "towel" for owl. (Towel! Whowho!) Or mice for rice OR ice. This morning, she looked out the window and started telling me "bird. iswalking. bird. isflying." I told her that the bird was called a pigeon and she said "Chicken! BockaBOCK!" Oh, seriously, the cute? It's too much.

Did it, Did it, Did it! Ack!

2011-09-30T13:43:00.002-04:00

We've been on the "do we, don't we?" baby #3 merry-go-round for about a year now. I knew trying to convince myself I didn't want to give birth to a baby wouldn't work, but I started thinking about all the reasons things are already hard with two (financially and logistically) and why am I so special that I need a bio-babe when I already have two awesomely delicious kids. At the end of the day though, I feel like there's really no logic in the decision to have a baby or not. I want to have a baby, and if I don't, I know I'll regret it.

So I made the appointment with the fertility doctor today. We go in next month for our consultation. It'll be the same place we went for the girls with the same doctor. This time, we're going straight for IVF. With our donor not around, we need to conserve the vials we have and use them wisely. So many months of trying last time were so disheartening- plus who can do all those appointments for months with two small children!

I just really pray this works right away. Please please please. Since I decided I wanted to go for it, I've been seeing 11:11 often again, just like I did when we were trying to get pregnant with our girls. I believe this is a positive sign.

If you did IVF, did you do acupuncture too? At what point in the process did you start acupuncture treatments!

Happy birthday to two delicious girls!

2011-09-27T14:22:00.002-04:00

Our girls turn two today! This picture was taken yesterday when Zazie took them for ice cream (it was strawberry, in case you're curious). We can't believe how lucky we are. Happy birthday, E and R.

I have so much catching up to do here, I just need to wrest the computer from Zazie's hands.

Oh boy, oh boy!

2011-06-28T12:04:00.001-04:00

Check out this great post on Family Equality Council's blog, featuring our sweet baby at Pride this weekend: Pride for Pride's Sake.

2011-06-16T12:50:00.002-04:00

Right now, planning is my number one hobby, followed closely by Facebook, mahjong on my ipod, reading up on "real food" and watching episodes of PBS Masterpiece and Arrested Development. I play with my kids when they're awake. Sometimes at night, I drink a glass of wine and try to read American Rose without dozing off (not because the book is bad, I just can't stay awake). I think about sewing, but I'm such a perfectionist I can't bear to start because I'll get so frustrated when I don't do it right.

I really can't stop thinking about where we want to live next. First, we decided we were moving to Atlanta. Then, it was the NJ suburbs of NYC. Last week, it was the NJ suburbs of Philly. Now it's Los Angeles. I look at real estate. I look at neighborhoods. I read City-Data. I check on schools. It gets pretty consuming and then I wonder why I'm even bothering... we don't plan to leave NYC for several years yet.

I do it because I'm tired of NYC and I'm ready to go. I'm ready to leave the crowds of people and the dirt and rudeness everywhere. I'm ready to leave our 1 1/2 bedroom masquerading as a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, combo living/dining room, no dishwasher, no washer/dryer. I'm tired of being so broke for no good reason. So many people we know are leaving the city... it makes me sad and frustrated that we have to stick it out here for a little while longer. Things are so hard and isolating here that I'm dreaming of somewhere better. I hope we can find it.

Kisses

2011-06-16T12:48:00.002-04:00

This morning, I asked Ellie for a hug and she gave me a kiss on the lips (doesn't happen very often). Then she walked over to Lauren and gave her a kiss. Seriously, that kid.

Formatting

2011-06-03T12:59:00.002-04:00

Anyone else using Blogger? Why the frick can't I get it to insert paragraphs? Even when I put TWO returns between paragraphs, it still smushes everything together into one paragraph. I'm better than this, I swear!

Entertain me.

2011-06-03T12:55:00.002-04:00

Dear people,

It is Friday. That means it's pretty slow at work and I'm looking for things to read. When I say "things to read," I'm talking about new posts on your blogs. Can you help a sister out? You've all put up new posts that are password-protected, so I can't read them. Don't make me beg and cry.

Which reminds me that we got a new Baby Faces book, and every time El gets to the "boo-hoo" page, she cries hysterically. And yet she still wants to read the book again? Go figure. And what is up with the babies of color being assigned to all the "negative" feelings (boo hoo, yucky, etc.)?

Love,
Z.

Please help these ladies make a documentary.

2011-06-03T10:10:00.003-04:00

Please visit Kickstart and kick in a few dollars to help these ladies make their film.

Dance Dance Dance

2011-06-01T13:07:00.003-04:00

Okay, I'm going to admit something. My kids watch "tv" for about 1/2 hour in the morning while I'm getting ready and Zaz makes their breakfast. I say "tv" because they watch videos on YouTube... Caspar Babypants, OK Go, old Se.sam.e Str.eet, Poco.yo, and Charl.ie and L.ola, mostly, though sometimes we end up watching cats snuggling with puppies or puppies trying to roll over after clicking on one of those "you might like this" links at the side (That can really get you in trouble- we watched a cute video of a cat making biscuits on a dog's back, but the "you might like this" choices were oh. my. NUH-uh.)

El has a serious thing for El.mo. What the heck? I always swore my kids would have nothing to do with him, but dammit, she loves him so much she asks for him by name. Most of the new Se.same is awful, but there are some skits? pieces? numbers? from when he first came on the scene that are good. The one with Adam S.andler and Elmo cracks us up (It's not about a dragon... who likes to kiss and tell-mo...)

The one that is possibly the biggest hit right now is this one with Paul Simon. Ru loves to dance and run around when she hears it. If Zazie and I start clapping and singing "Dance, dance, dance", both the girls start dancing. Ru even says it to herself randomly, but it kind of sounds like "dass, dass, dass" when she does it.

Stop. Throwing. Food.

2011-05-29T21:16:00.003-04:00

Mealtimes are annoying. The girls throw their food off their highchair trays at nearly every meal. If they don't like something, off it goes. We've tried saying "We don't throw our food." Or we take their tray completely off until they chill out. In an attempt at "positive discipline," I tried saying "We keep our food on our tray." The dropping continued. Is it the age? Or are we just not saying the magic words that will stop them??

Another thing to phase out?

2011-05-25T15:38:00.003-04:00

Last week, I had several nights of semi-sleepwalking (semi- because that's not exactly what happens). It happens every so often, though not much anymore, thankfully, now that we no longer live next to a power transformer (a dear friend told me there's a connection between dreams and electromagnetic waves, so that makes sense). I wake as I'm walking around at the foot of the bed, or in the living room, convinced that I'm looking for something and I can't find it. Or I jolt upright in bed, panicked about something, eyes open, talking gibberish (Side note: seriously, how does Zazie stand me?).

Those nights last week were pretty intense... I woke up in a panic and found myself out of bed pacing at least 3 or 4 times per night. I'd had either take-out or something commercially prepared that may have contained MSG and I wondered if there was a connection.

Well, I think there may have been. What do you think? MSG Side Effects. Now all I need to avoid is anything on this list... shouldn't be hard right? Hah.

Cuteness

2011-05-25T14:22:00.004-04:00

The girls love these eggs. They love to open the container, they love to put the tops and bottoms back together, they love to squeak the little chicks inside. This morning, though, was the cutest...

R. took the shell off of one egg, said "Hello", then put the shell back. Then she took the shell off the next one, said "Hello", and then put the shell back. She did that for every single one of the eggs.

Cutie.

Day two

2011-05-23T16:41:00.004-04:00

I don't know... I think the cutting out caffeine and reducing booze is making me lose my mind. Or maybe it's spring. I've been cleaning closets, giving and throwing away stuff. Now I'm on day two of this: How to Quit Shampoo Without Looking Disgusting. We'll see how that works out... I'm just hoping to free myself from the must-shampoo-everyday chains.

So. Annoyed.

2011-05-13T14:18:00.002-04:00

I wrote a really long draft post about my feelings on being in contact with the donor's family, but it appears to be disappeared. Think B.logger had problems this morning, so we'll see.

This is day 4 of a caffeine slowdown. I've been a major consumer of caffeine since I was a teenager. I'm now down to 1 cup a day, though cup is more a description of the container than the amount- the lines on the side of the coffee pot say I'm drinking more like 4 cups. :) The goal is to cut out entirely in preparation for the fall. I feel like I definitely noticed jitters after this morning's cup, so I may cut it out entirely very quickly instead of slowly tapering off like I'd planned.

Day 4 of no alcohol either. I'm not a big boozer, but I have been in the habit lately of at least 1 glass of wine a night. Aside from my creeping dependence issues, it makes me bloated, it makes me lethargic. And do I need another regular source of sugar in my diet? Though I might have to have a mimosa at brunch this weekend.

We're Baaaa-ack...

2011-05-11T10:41:00.005-04:00

We had a fabulous trip to Florida!

We started with two days with my grandmother, which was a horror show. My grandmom is lovely and I enjoy her company, but, well, she's 83 and her house is absolutely not babyproofed. We turned her living room into our fortress, moved the furniture around, kept all the doors closed, put the knick-knacks away. We bought those Pea.pod travel beds for the girls just before the trip and they HATED them! Bedtime had them hysterical... they'd start to fall asleep, but the zipper on the top was so loud that zipping it would wake them up again. We were ECSTATIC to go to Zazie's sister KT's house. The girls had room to run around and a very patient dog to obsess over. Plus it was nice to hang out with all the sisters and husbands too.

And then...this happened:

The promised meetup with the girls' half-sibs and the donors family happened! We stayed with two of our favorite families for an entire week (the rest of the families came Thursday-Sunday). We first explored these connections because we wanted to foster them for our kids as they get older, but N & A and their 3 1/2 year old b/g twins, and A and her 2 1/2 year old daughter are friends. It was so nice to hang out with them and their kids this past week. Sweet kids, awesome parents, similar parenting styles.... everyone in our house was a joy. I just wish they all didn't live so far away. Of course, we enjoyed hanging out with the girls' grandmother and their aunts (donor's mom and sisters). The other families were nice to see too, though we probably won't go the extra mile to see any of them unless there's another big group meet up.

Our situation is so crazy unusual and I love it. The girls' aunt brought home videos featuring our donor and the rest of the family growing up. Their grandmother told us about growing up and told us lots of great stories about our donor. Toward the end of the weekend, we talked with their grandmother about trying to have another baby in the fall and she gave her blessing. We really weren't sure how she'd feel about it, though we were pretty sure her reaction would be positive- it's been a year since his death and there are still babies being conceived! She said that her son didn't get to be an organ donor, despite his wishes and her pleas at the hospital, because of the circumstances of his death (vehicular homicide), but she's happy that he will continue to help people.

We are sad to be away from our peeps, the sun, and the relaxation. We feel like we left NY with babies and came back with little kids! The girls seem to have gone through a developmental growth spurt. E. is almost caught up to R.'s number of words. Last night in the bathtub, I started to count to three... I said One.... and E. piped up with TWO! I even got her to say Three with coaxing. Seriously. Love my girls.

New Ways to Adore Me

2011-04-20T11:31:00.002-04:00

Haha. No, but seriously, I've set up on Tum.blr and Inst@gram... if you're set up too, follow me! I'm ze.ebah on Insta and ze.ebahtro.nic on Tum.blr (ignore the dots in my name on both)...

11:11

2011-04-19T11:12:00.002-04:00

It just hit 11:11 am. For several years now, I often find myself glancing at the clock randomly at 11:11, am and pm. It's apparently a thing. It started as we were trying to get pregnant with the girls- I'd notice the clock, and pray that we'd conceive. Or I'd notice the clock while Zazie was pregnant, and pray that the girls made it here healthy and whole. Now I just pray for the health of my family and the people we know.

Sweet Girls

2011-04-18T11:17:00.004-04:00

Zazie called this morning to tell me how sweet the girls were. They were hanging out in a diaper box together (we keep a couple at a time so they can play in them), and Ruby started patting Ellie's head, then she gave her a hug. And then, she leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek (complete with kissing sound)! Then she went back to patting her head and saying soft. Cuties.

On another note, Di.s.ney week with half-sibs is coming up! We're excited... we're sharing a house with two of our favorite families. We met one family (two moms, b/g 3 year old twins) in March and we Skype with them every few weeks... their girl even draws pictures for our girls. The other mom and daughter (who goes by Ruby too- there are 3, including ours) live out west, so we haven't met them yet, but we get along well with them on IM and F.b. Then there are a bunch of other families coming, but we like some of them less than others, so we're glad we're not sharing a house with them. Haha. That'll make 2 weeks in Florida total (we fly down a week early for Zazie's sis' graduation)... yay vacation!

Changing Perspective

2011-04-15T13:19:00.004-04:00

Also, this: Grabbing our Way to Peace. I made the mistake of posting it on my F.b status yesterday. You should have read the outcry! My mother actually called me to beg me not to start trying to reason with the girls (Yes, serves me right, friending my mom). Honestly, unless you have experienced parenting two children exactly the same age, I'd rather not have your admonitions on this topic, thanks.

The girls are at the grab everything stage. One grabs something, the other cries, grabs it back, then that one drops it like she was never interested in the first place. We have been stepping in with "Ruby's playing with that", "give it back"- these are also the main "suggestions" I was given after posting this article (uh, duh, thanks for the obvious tips). However, now the girls are looking at us, expecting us to step in, which isn't how I want to continue- they should learn to negotiate and solve some stuff for themselves, no? So we're trying to dial down the intervention a little- it's hard to give them space when our living space is so small! :)

Mostly what I like in the article is the respect that is shown to the kids' perspective. I'm not really down with the level of negotiation that went on in the story that was told (our girls are 18 months like the kid in the story and that approach would be a waste of time), but I also like the idea of a kid being motivated to do the right thing on his own eventually because he wants to do the right thing, not because there are consequences or external forces that will make him do it if he doesn't (That was another suggestion from a family member- just tell them do it, and if you don't there are consequences).

I am trying to be a thoughtful parent. I want to have a good relationship with our girls. I don't have a good relationship with my parents and it kills me to think that I might end up in the same place with Ru and El, so I want to parent in a way that will foster a good relationship with them as they get older. I've been reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and finding some good insights.

Hysterical Laughing

2011-04-15T12:22:00.003-04:00

We woke up this morning to hysterical laughter from the baby monitor. It's times like those that make us wish we'd sprung for the video monitor so we could see them without them noticing us, since they immediately stop whatever they're doing when we come in. We'd hear THUNK! and then hysterical peals of laughter. They both have activity mirrors tied to the rails at the end of their crib, so I'm guessing someone (El probably) was flipping it out and then back into the crib. I tried to get a good picture of their happy morning faces, but they know our tricks- a camera comes out and they want to play with it. It's my fault for showing them that you can change the lens on my ipod so it's pointing toward you. And for downloading one of those stupid kid apps last time we went on a trip. Ru wants to grab it out of your hands so she can tap tap tap on it.

Hat Trick

2011-04-07T12:01:00.002-04:00

I do the wake-up routine with the girls in the morning. When we hear them on the monitor (or I finally decide to get out of bed), I go in, take off their sleep sacks, change their diapers and clothes. When both girls are dressed and ready, I usually say "Let's go see Mommy" (the only reliable phrase that will get them to stop what they're doing and leave the room) and we all walk over to the door. If they still have their pacifiers, I'll pull them out of their mouths with a cluck of my tongue (somehow the tongue clucking keeps them from being annoyed that I've just made them pacifier-less), put the pacifiers away, and then we go to the living room. What happened THIS morning was a little like some old-fashioned comedy routine. Ru was standing on one of the car seats when I pulled her pacifier out. I turned around and crossed the room to put her pacifier away, and when I turned back, she had another pacifier in her mouth. For a second I was a little confused- maybe in my half-awake state I only thought I'd pulled it out? So with a cluck, I took the pacifier out, turned around to put it away, and saw that yes, I'd already pulled one out because it was in the box already. I turn back around and what do I find? Ru with another pacifier in her mouth! Ru somehow had not one, but THREE pacifiers! I couldn't stop laughing. Ru laughed like she was in on the joke, but maybe she was just laughing because I was. :)

Oh, too much.

2011-03-30T19:06:00.002-04:00

The eating, the eating. Both of the girls have taken to swiping their arms back and forth and knocking the food on their trays onto the floor. I don't get the feeling that it's just because they're finished eating. We have their highchairs set up right in front of our dining table. Last night, Zazie put a plate of the fried rice she'd just made on the table to cool, not realizing it was in arms' reach and BAM! El reached for it and knocked it to the floor, so we lost the portion they were supposed to eat and the plate it was on (we normally use the melamine plates when we serve them, but Zazie put their food on one of the breakable plates). We tried to give them the remainder (there goes OUR dinner!) of the fried rice. First, we put some on the trays, but neither of them would eat it, so we put it in their bowls and gave them spoons. Ru completely refuses our help now if a utensil she can use is in sight. We can't give her a pre-filled spoon to feed herself, she won't let us guide her hand to pick up food, and god forbid she take anything spooned into her mouth.... she just sits there and stabs at whatever's in the bowl, not picking anything up. When I tried to help her, she started crying and screaming and crying and screaming. El on the other hand? That girls just wants to eat. She'll give eating with a spoon a shot, but if you feed her, she doesn't complain, because that means the food gets to her belly faster.

Bossy and cute.

2011-03-29T09:56:00.003-04:00

All of us (and the judge) on our adoption day:

Some cute stuff about...

-Ru: has been Houdini-ing her way out of her sleep sack during the night. Has been "helping" me fasten the buckle of her highchair, so I'm sure Ms. Picky Fingers will figure THAT out soon, too. Walks up to her sister and says "Share" if she wants whatever El has.

-El: slower and less frequent with words, but when she says them, she does so perfectly. We always ask the girls for "pats," and they pat us on the back. The other day she started patting me and saying "pats." This morning, she pointed to her aunt's baby picture on the wall and said "baby."

In the last week, they've started playing a game where they'll run to the opposite end of the room. We clap our hands and hold out our arms and they come running to give us a hug before running off again. They LOVE doing head-shoulders-knees-and toes. They can't sing along, other than saying "heaaaa--" and touching their heads, and they skip shoulders and knees and go straight for the toes, but they love it.

Also, I dunno. Maybe writing all that stuff out yesterday worked the "what if we didn't have another kid" out of my system? And maybe I still want to have another kid? Jury's still out until September, I supposed.

2011-03-28T15:46:00.001-04:00

Have I had a change of heart? Our adoption went through last Wednesday. Just the week before, I'd received a call from our attorney saying we still had a few other pieces of information that needed to be finalized. Two days after that, we were told the adoption was going through because the judge needed to clear his caseload. Procrastinating! Sometimes it doesn't bite you in the ass! It was a very anti-climatic five minutes in a conference room, alot of yesses and that is corrects, and then the girls were legally mine! I won't have to wake up in the middle of the night, worrying that we hadn't finished the adoption. And suddenly, I felt like a weight was lifting. Then I saw an ad for what would be a more prestigious and better paying job. And I applied and was told by the recruiter that she was passing my information along, so my spirits were lifted higher. Basically, our plan has been for me to stick with my job long enough to get pregnant and take maternity leave. My job offers faboo reproductive benefits, so I will be able to do IVF right off the bat and have it covered. After our experience trying to get pregnant with the girls and all of the failed IUIs and the sads that go along with that, and having limited supply of our donor, we need to get right to it. Time frame has been to start right around the girls' second birthday. If I switch jobs, I need to do that in the next two months so that if everything sticks, I'll be at that job for a year to take maternity leave. That's IF the job offers reproductive benefits, which not all do. All of the sudden this weekend, though, I started thinking about what it would be like if we don't go for a third. No need for a behemoth car. We might even be able to AFFORD a car. (Haha) The possibility of staying in NYC (3 bedrooms are a rarity, but 4 bedrooms under 3000 a month? Not happening with three kids). Lauren going back to work. My switching to a more lucrative job. There are so many things that will become more difficult with three kids, as well: day-to-day care, paying for those kids (clothes, braces, food, classes), the strain of having three kids on OUR relationship (we don't have much help and we can't afford help now WITHOUT three kids), more years of Zazie staying home. We'll have to move, most likely not in the tri-state area. Not to mention, I am FREAKING out about moving back South, with or without the second-parent adoption. Here in NYC, it's just a given that there are out gay people and if you have a problem with that, then YOU'RE the freak. Religion isn't seen as a polite topic of conversation. Even if we don't have close gay and lesbian couple friends, we know many as acquaintances or through parent groups. It is conceivable that we could move to a neighborhood where our girls will be one of several kids from same-sex households here. Atlanta? Maybe, but I'm not sure we can afford the "gay" neighborhoods on the salary I'll make there, and so that sets them up for an uphill battle I don't want for them. Religion is front and center there. Plus, I just won't be able to have the kind of job I'm hoping to get and I certainly won't get paid as much. Zazie will have difficulties finding design work at all. I always wanted to have a kid. Now I have two and I love them with a heart full-to-bursting. Are they enough or do I want another that has my genes? Does my desire to have a baby outweigh all the sacrifices we'll have to make? Zazie's staying out of it and being very supportive, but I know that she'll be relieved if I say two's enough. I don't want to say, ah, forget it, let's stop and then end up regretting my decision after it's too late. Any other non-bio mamas in my situation? Or anyone, really... thoughts on this?

I can't believe I'm admitting this.

2011-02-02T15:05:00.002-05:00

A friend (not a close, see-them-all-the-time friend, more like a past shared-activity friend with mutual friends) has invited to her wedding reception/party, to be held on my birthday in our old (cool) neighborhood at a bar we used to love (and that her fiancee owns). I am excited about going, and also not at all excited, to the point that we have talked about possibly not attending. This is a 100+ people invited, Evite kinda party, so we won't exactly be missed.

I am honestly hesitant to attend for several reasons. You know that fat feeling? The one you get from eating and drinking the stress of fertility treatments/pregnancy, new family members, raising twins, sole breadwinner woes away? Except it's not just a fat feeling, I've really put on the pounds. The majority of my old clothes no longer fit, and the ones I do fit in I feel self-conciously porky in. I could go buy new clothes, but jeezy pete, the dress standard is so freakin' high- the people we know who will attend are some styley mofos. These are the girls we were je.erleaders with, the ones we dressed to the nines with and for. And it's in the neighborhood synonymous with "h.i.pster" BK style and the bride is a fashion designer. And we don't go out anymore and I have nothing interesting to talk about, unless you want to talk about the girls, Doctor.W.ho, or my latest dentist appointment. Oh, and I'm feeling really fecking old and tired these days.

But it'll be my birthday, and it's a party to celebrate really nice people, and maybe we'll go have brunch at one of our old haunts.

I just don't know. I guess I have a month to think about it. I'll definitely need to go shopping (and possibly starve myself. Joke! I'm not down with deprivation.)

Step One

2011-01-21T13:58:00.002-05:00

I finally went to the dentist this morning. I hadn't gone in years and then a couple years ago, I had one single visit to a new dentist that was so horrible I couldn't bear to go back to get any of her suggested work done. It took me this long, but I finally found a new one and went this morning. Whew. Don't get me wrong, I have about fifty bazillion cavities (okay, that might be an exaggeration, but I'm scheduled for two one-hour filling appointments, if that gives you an idea), and the words "possible root canal" and "possible crown" came up, but I didn't want to cry afterwards. For years, I've been mortified that I've taken such bad care when my parents went out of their way to ensure I made it to adulthood with few dental problems. With TTC coming up at the end of the year, I want to make sure that all of the things that affect fertility that I can control are taken care of. Dental care: step number one. Next, exercising, eating better, and cutting out caffeine and wine. My teeth are aching but I feel a little lighter because I'm getting sh*t taken care of.

In other news, we're combining our visit to dear friends with a side trip to meet up with one of our fave donor sib families! So excited!

Things are looking up!

2011-01-18T23:00:00.003-05:00

When I got home from work, I checked the mailbox as usual. I finally received the check I'd been expecting from a class action settlement I was part of- even better, it was twice the amount I was expecting! There was much whooping and hollering in our house tonight. This means our plane tickets for the Disn.ey meet up with the other donor families is paid for. AND we can pay for plane tickets to see our dearest friends- we haven't been able to spend more than a few hours with them in a year! To top the night, we received word that a good friend had her baby boy tonight.

Things are looking up in the Zeebah Zazie house.

I'll leave you with this.... We took the bus to the big grocery store Saturday. The bus was really crowded, but a nice man gave up his seat near the window. Ellie was in front in my Er.go. Several times, she reached over to pat the man on his shoulder. She wasn't feeling his jacket, she was patting him, one-two-three. We always ask the girls to "give us pats" and I guess it's carried over. Sweet girl.

Get "Clowned"

2011-01-16T22:37:00.002-05:00

If you're TTC, apparently you should get clowned shortly after you do-the-do (whatever your version is). Or skip the creepy clown and just see a funny movie.

Totally jazzed!

2011-01-16T10:06:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'll admit I have had two cups of coffee already this morning, so though my fingers are typing along at their regular speed, my brain is running twice that. Over at Love+Love, they're getting ready to TTC- Jessie mentions needing to give up coffee and oh my gawd, I have to give up coffee! And my occasional Diet C.oke! And my wine! If we're planning to start right around when the girls' birthday in September, how much time do I need to give myself? Obviously, it's just healthier to cut down on all of those things in general, but they are my crutches and I don't want to give them up until I need to. We're going to Orlando at the beginning of May for a trip to Disney with the donor sibling families and donor family... when we return, I'll taper down over the rest of the month. The same approach worked for kicking cigarettes nearly three years ago- and that time, my quitting coincided with the beginning of TTC the girls.

Your Blog Here.

2011-01-13T13:49:00.002-05:00

For YEARS, I used Bl.og.lines as both my RSS reader and my list of links on my blogs. BL was bought by another company, and when they switched over, not only did the interface suck but I lost most of my links, including yours, most likely. I'm picking up the pieces with another neat reader called Bloglovin', but if you're reading this and I should follow you, leave a comment!

The answer is...

2011-01-13T12:41:00.002-05:00

Our answer is jeans. For the moment, we are able to keep the girls off the couch by putting them in jeans instead of their usual cotton stretchy pants. I don't know if it's that their jeans are slightly too big or what, but it seems to do the trick.

Ruby loves shoes. The sight of one makes her say "shoe!" She also says "shoe" if she sees a sock. Right part of the body, so points for that.

Ellie has been doing a funny thing where she'll run leaning forward, arms behind her while making a weird, smiley duck/kissy face. We don't know where she got it, but she does it just to get a laugh.

I always want to make each post stick to one topic, which leads to a lot of half-written, never published posts. Things I'd like to talk about: the increase in familial obligations when you find other donor sibling families and donor's family, what obligation (if any) do we have to introduce the girls to their Jewish heritage (we were both raised Christian, but donor was Jewish. Many of our friends and some family are, and we've always been interested in Judaism anyway) and to what extent should we do it, looking toward my trying to conceive baby #3 at the end of the year and whether that makes us bat-sh*t crazy, our prospective move. Comments, questions for me if there's anyone out there reading?

Oh my.

2011-01-11T13:03:00.003-05:00

My girls know what they want and they know how to get it. Or at least, they think they know how to get it. Geez. Their current obsession is getting on the couch. Non-controversial action, right, climbing up onto the couch? But no, it's the standing on the couch, climbing on the couch arms, teetering precariously at the edge of the couch that we don't like. If our floor weren't so hard (parquet over concrete) perhaps, or they were more coordinated, or they weren't so small that it's a loooong way to the floor- sure, why not? However, I don't want to take someone to the emergency room for a broken collarbone, so we have been trying to keep them off the couch. I say trying because when your back is turned WHAM! How did she get back on the couch so fast?

Take them off the couch and you get back-arching and crying and vibrating with frustration (Ellie mostly). If they're in the right mood, that turns into a really not-fun round-robin of Take Mama's Glasses Off Her Face, followed by Stand on the Toy Piano, and then Pull the Plastic Fence Down. Seriously, in the right mood, they'll do one after the other after the other. In the bedroom, it's Open the Dresser Drawers, Pull the Curtains, Touch the Hot Radiator, and Play with the Humidifier. Keep them from one thing and then they immediately do all the other things they're not supposed to do.

We don't want to yell. Our Ladies of the One-Track Mind are only momentarily slowed if you remove them from the situation (not much room in our apartment to remove them anyway). We're at a loss. They'll grow out of the toddler phase just in time for baby #3, I'm sure.

Big Day

2010-07-24T10:18:00.002-04:00

Today's the memorial ride for our donor. We are meeting his parents and sisters and several of the half-siblings and their families today. We may even meet the coordinator from our bank! We hadn't planned on making the 14 hour drive, but decided it was too important to miss, so we drove all night. It is a sad and exciting day.

Little Houdini

2010-07-09T13:10:00.002-04:00

Ellie started grousing at 6:30 this morning. We don't normally go get them out of their cribs until at least 7, so I waited a few minutes to see if she'd just go back to sleep. After ten minutes or so, I gave up and went in just in case something was wrong. She wasn't crying in the way that said there was anything wrong, but better safe than sorry. I went in and the little stinker had her sleep sack half on! One sleeve on, one sleeve off. I suppose it was uncomfortable. I can only think that maybe I didn't pull the zipper all the way down last night when I put her to bed.

Poor Ruby was still asleep when I went in to check on them. She lifted her head and sat up, but she laid right down and went back to sleep! Normally, if one of them is up and you go in to get the awake one, the one who's asleep wakes up instantly. So the poor girl must've been tired. I would be too if I had to hear that complaining when I was trying to sleep!

Oy, the Clingy and the Cranky.

2010-07-07T11:01:00.003-04:00

The ladies are extremely clingy these days. You leave the room for a second and they let out piercing wails. Pick one up first, the other one screams, even as you're talking to the left-behind one to tell her she's next. The tears, the tears!

We've set up one of those Super Play Yards with a cushy alphabet mat at the end of the living room. It makes us doubly sad to see both of them standing, crying and pulling at the fence when we leave them to go get something in the other room. We are doing our best to rectify our rugless situation so that we can free them from their baby prison and explore the house. Our floors are parquet over cement (ie face-breaking-hard) so there is no way we can let them roam before rugs happen.

Seriously, being a parent to twins is so hard. Being a parent to twins without a car, dishwasher, or washer/dryer is f*cking impossible. Well, not impossible, since we seem to be doing it, but WAH!!

To keep the kitchen clean, one needs to wash dishes, dishes, dishes. Of course, we can't wash the dishes when the girls are awake (I like to spend time with daughters every day, funny, and with my hour commute, I don't get much awake time). We can't do them right after they go to sleep, because with their room right off the kitchen and that weird service window between the rooms (we think their room used to be the dining room), they wake up. So if dishes get done, they have to be done at 9 or 10 when they're asleep enough that they don't stir. We are planning to switch rooms with them so they won't be disturbed (unless it's by our neighbor with the recording studio who forgets what time it is- that's another story), but that requires painting their room, moving furniture, cleaning, etc. with babies who refuse to be separated from us. And then there's the laundry, which Zazie can't do during the day because of their nap schedule (and keeping them in the stroller for too long), so it can only be done at night or on the weekends. Or the grocery and necessity shopping that can be done either by me on my way home from work or on the weekend with both of us, during the time that we should be cleaning or cooking or doing laundry or hanging out with our children and each other!

Oh, wait, when did this become the whining hour?

Seriously, I have had it with New York. I've had it with renting. I've had it with not having a car. I've had it with not having a washer dryer. Problem is, on one income, how does a family leave this place? Or are we stuck in this circle of hell for all eternity?

(My opinions are not necessarily shared by Zazie. Just want to put that out there.)

Mermaids

2010-06-22T12:02:00.006-04:00

Last weekend, we did the Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. We were all Pineapple Princesses, in the vein of the Annette Funicello song. Things went pretty well- the girls didn't crank out too badly and we had a decent time, too! We will definitely be heading back out to Coney later in the summer to ride the Wonder Wheel, eat Nathan's, and hang out on the beach. Those are just things we have to do every summer!

Wow.

2010-06-14T14:24:00.004-04:00

Three years, five kids. These kids' moms are some of our best and oldest friends here in NYC.

Ruby and Ellie are in the middle, obviously. This is right as Ellie started to FLIP OUT(!!) because L. (green stripe) was leaning back on her arm.

Cuties.

Well. Hmm.

2010-06-14T13:41:00.002-04:00

Where is the Miss Manners for Families-who've-Conceived-with-Open-Donors-and-Now-Have-Contact-With-Half-Sibs'-Families? This is all such new territory and there is so much potential for drama.

So far:
-One woman in the group apparently contacted the donor and met him IRL not too long ago. This woman then posted a picture with her kid and donor on her F.B page, but refused to share the story with someone who asked about it because the meeting was "private between her kid, her and the donor". When Zazie friended her on F.B, this mom told Zazie in no certain terms that she didn't want any questions asked about her "relationship" with the donor, though Z had asked her nothing.
-Another woman is heartbroken that the above woman "broke the rules" and met the donor.
-One woman's (same-sex) partner is absolutely against her co-mom having anything to do with our group, but has acquiesced to the G.Group so co-mom can get info on the other kids. This co-mom has initiated FB 'friendships' but hides most of her personal info from us.
- Zazie and another mom have become fast friends and have started IM'ing each other nearly every night. Zazie and I have had other very nice IMs with a couple other moms.

Zazie suggested a "get-together" sometime next year for everyone and the group, normally quiet, has EXPLODED with emails.

Some said they wouldn't be joining in the get-together at all, due to concerns about their childrens' privacy. I have been turning this over and over in my mind, trying to figure out the reasoning. These moms have initiated contact with the rest of us, but they're worried that somehow their kids won't want that contact when they get older & the kids will be upset that their parents shared details about them. Supposedly, they've joined the group to "leave the door open" for the kids to make the choice themselves later. In my mind, Ruby and Ellie are more likely to be pissed at us later if we were aware of a group of parents of half-sibs, but we refused to take part, and thus, deprived them of having a long relationship with their half-sibs. Our family is Mama, Mommy, Ruby & Ellie (and hopefully baby #3 in a few years). I don't see how having a friendly relationship with these other parents threatens our family unit. Can anyone explain to me? I'd ask the G.group folks, but I can't figure out a way to ask without putting these moms on the defensive.

Others are saying that they want to take part in the get-together, but only if we can refer to the kids as "friends" (not half-sibs). First, I don't see why these kids (the oldest is about 6 years old) would even ask how we all know each other. Couldn't you just say these are Mark, Sally, Bernice, etc.? Second, if Zazie and my policy is honesty with our girls, that means we tell them that these kids are their half-sibs. Why should I have to worry about my kid "outing" their relationship to another kid whose parents aren't going to tell them the truth?

Opinions? Guidance? This is such a weird situation. We're dealing with total strangers whose kids have an intimate connection to our kids. Brave new world!

And That's One of the Things I Hate.

2010-06-02T15:34:00.002-04:00

Oh, New York. Everyone is real estate- and neighborhood-obsessed. Unfortunately, you are forced to become that way as you get chased from neighborhood to neighborhood in search of an affordable place to live (and, most likely, you are displacing someone who has even less money than you do, but that's another story).

A nearby nabe used to be known as the heart of lesbian NYC. That is, until it got nice and then expensive. Then most of the lesbians left for greener (ie cheaper) pastures.

On the neighborhood queer listserv, someone asked where all the gays go when they can't afford P-Slop. Lots of folks chimed in about the neighborhoods they've moved to... "we like it, more space, decent schools, blahblahblah..." After lots of discussion about other neighborhoods, a woman wrote in to say, "...can't help but continue to feel slightly abandoned! now that we could finally afford to move back to the slope, sounds like the mass exodus continues. this has been our experience with many queer friends too . anybody left out there?"

Ugh. Seriously. Cry me a river and then shut your mouth. In a discussion where people are saying they can't afford the "good" neighborhood, you're boohooing about how you CAN afford it? Really?

Long time, no update

2010-06-02T12:31:00.003-04:00

Our trip to Texas last week was great. Dallas, Austin, Houston in 10 days. We saw my family and Zazie's family. We saw the Fort Worth Water Gardens, drove around Austin (that was mainly what we did there- those damn baby naps get in the way of intensive touristing), went to the Houston Zoo and the Houston Contemporary Arts Museum. The girls swam for the first time!

Ruby has been intermittently crawling since the trip. Ellie learned a new trick too. You know when you say "Ahhhh" and put your hand up to your mouth and it sounds like "Awh Awh Awh"? (Does that make any sense?) It's super cute because she does it with the back of her hand.

Now, when Ruby wakes up in the middle of the night (last night, it happened several times), we'll go to her crib and she'll be sitting up with her eyes closed, crying. It's the most pathetic thing. Is that just what babies who've learned to sit up well do? I usually will lay her back down, but it seems mean to make her do that.

We also had our first "What the...?" in the middle of the night. Ruby was screaming (pretty sure those top teeth are coming in), I went in, laid her back down and tried to put her pacifier in her mouth. She batted the paci away, so I got her a bottle (middle of the night feeding.. yes, that's probably wrong somehow). When I took her out of her crib, the middle of her back was wet. The diaper had leaked, but it wasn't even that full, really. Super weird.

Too busy running my mouth.

2010-05-04T14:34:00.005-04:00

Look at these ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING children of ours! This was taken last weekend at their first trip to the zoo. They were sitting in a big duck egg sculpture. The pollen is so bad here that the dandelion puffs were falling like rain! Seriously.

I've been so busy running my mouth about other stuff that I didn't mention that Ruby has TWO teeth and El has another on the way. Also, I swear they've been trying to kiss us lately ... they put their little open mouths right up to your cheek. I didn't truly believe that's what they were doing until the BabyCenter email told me so this morning. :)

The latest

2010-05-04T10:38:00.001-04:00

Honestly, seeing pictures and video of all these kids is mind-blowing. There's a half-sib out in California that blew us away when we watched a video last night- her mannerisms are totally our Ruby!! And yet, she has the same cheeks as Ellie. Some of the half-sibs resemble one girl or the other, some don't resemble our girls at all.

Now we're talking about our kids food allergies. That's some pretty helpful stuff... having moms out there raising kids who share half your kids' genetic material and can possibly shed light on food or health issues. Most of the half-sibs are at least a year or two older and have a head start on eating solids, so their moms have a ton of info. How cool is that?

Donor's mom has been contributing to the listserv and responding to emails. Zazie asked if at some point, she might share some baby pictures with us... we do have a photo span to adulthood, but it doesn't start until the donor was around 3 or so. She responded that it was too painful right now, but that she would try to get something together soon. Zazie was quick to respond & let her know that she shouldn't worry about us right now, that she should do only as much as she was able to. The family was supportive of their son's decision, they knew about the kids, but I can't imagine how overwhelming it must be to get emails day after day with pictures of strangers' kids that look SO much like your son or the rest of your family.

Here's a question that we've been discussing with one of the other moms. There is an online condolence book for the donor available through the local newspaper. It will be coming down in one week. Do we download a copy of it for the girls to have later? Part of me wants them to have all information available to them, should they want it later. The other part of me thinks that what we have already, and what we'll have from his family in the future (hopefully), should be enough and that downloading a record of condolences from strangers to his family is unnecessary, morbid, and somehow intrusive.

Two Ton Death Machine

2010-05-03T11:15:00.001-04:00

We were almost hit by a car while walking in our neighborhood. This is the second time something like this happened, though the first time, the driver actually grazed Lauren's hand with her drivers' side mirror (and would've hit her squarely if I hadn't yelled at Lauren to move). Our rule after the first time was, never assume a car is going to slow down for you or see you. Now our rule has to become: if there is a car anywhere near you, do not try to cross the street. This neighborhood is terrible for pedestrians- it's bad in NYC in general, but this is the worst I've ever experienced.

I lost it and started screaming at the driver. As she passed (with earphone dangling, by the way), I said something like "watch your f*cking car". She said something along the lines of "get out of the way," I said "I'm a f*cking pedestrian and I have the right of way." Her response was "Nice language to teach your f*cking kids." A few more words were exchanged (I can't remember exactly what). As we were walking away, I turned around & made a motion like I was blowing a kiss to her. She yelled after us something like, "look at those fat @sses, those f*cking tubs of lard." I couldn't help myself... I slapped my ass and yelled at her to "kiss it."

We, of course, were really shaken and angry when we got home. That driver was definitely in the wrong. She should've at least slowed down. She was a jerk, but she what she said about teaching our kids is sticking with me.

What will it teach them that I cursed out this stranger? I don't have a problem with the language I used... I curse often and though I'm trying to curb myself (a. I don't want the girls to do it and b. it isn't particularly creative), if there was ever an "appropriate" time to curse, that was it.

I guess if she'd shown some remorse, or it hadn't been the second time someone had nearly run over my family in nearly the same spot, maybe I wouldn't have gone to the lengths I did. I acted the way I did because I was scared and feeling powerless, but what good did expressing my anger do? I could've the crap out of the girls (Ruby, who I was holding, didn't seem phased), the woman could've had a knife (I don't know, it's possible), etc. Better to just say "Watch it" and keep walking, no matter what that b*tch said back to us?

Uh, Am I Hearing You Correctly?

2010-04-29T16:16:00.005-04:00

I'm overhearing a phone conversation between my coworker and his primary physician. Apparently, his wife, kids at his kids' school, and people in his neighborhood have whooping cough.

This is all because some parents choose not to vaccinate. I'm all for reading the D.r. Se.ars Vaccination Book. We did, and we're following the delayed schedule, but jesus christ on a stick. I wish people would vaccinate their kids. If you don't vaccinate, you are relying on all those folks out there that DO vaccinate to keep you & your kids safe. That doesn't seem fair, that you rely on other people's kids to shoulder the burden for you.

I now have to worry about my infants getting a potentially dangerous illness that no one gets anymore because of someone living 200 miles away who came into contact with someone who came into contact with someone who came in contact with someone I know. That doesn't seem right.

Whoa.

2010-04-29T09:51:00.002-04:00

After we found out about the donor, we decided it was time to set up a listserv for parents of the kids. Some of us had already been in touch through the Donor Sibling Registry, which is great for finding people but not so great for communicating as a group.

If I had contact information, I added someone to the group. I also messaged everyone on DSR asking if they wanted to be added. I even contacted someone from the donor's condolence website whose message hinted she was a parent.

Somehow, some way, the donor's mother is now a member of the listserv. This morning, she sent us all a message talking about her son. Wow. An excerpt: ... knowing that all of you strong and amazing women and your beautiful children are here is more of a blessing than I can express.

What a lady. Seriously. We will definitely be writing to her, now to figure out what to say.

Saddened.

2010-04-27T12:02:00.003-04:00

Ugh. We are feeling terrible for so many reasons.

I spent time this morning reading the donor's obituary and some of the newspaper articles about him. So many people in his community knew and counted on him. It is obvious from the articles and news stories that he was well-loved by everyone. We are told by the bank that he was so loved by the staff that they all attended his memorial service. His generous gifts of life to strangers were even mentioned at the service.

When we chose our donor, we sought an open donor. We didn't want a known donor because we didn't want possible legal confusion or to add another person to our family, but we did want the girls to have the ability to seek him out for questions if they chose when they were eighteen. With the information we had about him, we were fairly certain that if/when the girls sought him out, he would not regret his decision to be an open donor & refuse contact. Now they'll never get the opportunity. We mourn for our girls. The bank staff think that in time, his parents may be open to contact, which will be nice, but obviously won't be the same.

There will be a memorial ride for road safety in his name soon & we plan to donate to it. I have been racking my brain to think of a way to commemorate the absolutely huge gift this man gave to us. We are so grateful to him for helping us create our family. I'll just say a prayer for now.

Pondering

2010-04-26T21:40:00.002-04:00

We received a letter from our sperm bank today, telling us that our girls' open donor (and the intended donor for our next baby) died in a motorcycle accident recently. We are saddened and shocked and still mulling things over.

Baby-Led Weaning

2010-04-12T17:13:00.004-04:00

We've decided to do the baby-led weaning thing. My cousin and his wife used this method with their daughter and they lent us their book. I've read the book and Zazie is starting to read it. I like the idea of the girls getting to choose which things they're most interested in. As a babyled weaning blog says, "You just hand them the food in a suitably-sized piece and if they like it they eat it and if they don't they won't."

So far, they've had: Chicken, broccoli, banana, avocado, pear, pickle, and rice cake. It's a little difficult to just watch them, especially tonight when we gave them really ripe pear. The thought is that if babies are old enough to start with solids (six months) they are old enough to figure out how not to choke. Ruby did manage to break off a piece off pear, roll it around in her mouth, and then spit it right back out, so I guess we shouldn't worry. Of course, we both did finger sweeps of their mouths as soon as we got too freaked out watching them eat and decided to call it a night!

In other news, Ellie has a tooth that's broken through!! They're both doing very well sitting up, too. They still need a close eye, lest they tip over.

Would it be too weird?

2010-04-10T16:02:00.003-04:00

We kept seeing kids around the neighborhood with these shoes last summer & we loved them. And then we saw an ADULT wearing them and we flipped out... really? adult sizes? Awesome!!

Problem is, Zazie and I both want them. And wouldn't the girls look cute in them? We've decided that might be a little too strange, all of us traipsing around in the same shoes, even if they're in different colors.

Our Apartment is a Disaster

2010-04-01T10:42:00.004-04:00

I know that common wisdom tells you that when you have small children, you should relax some of your ideas of how clean your home should be.

The problem is that Zazie and I, on the best of days, are not the neatest people. Everything is fairly clean underneath, but we are messy. Our messiness is compounded by our laziness. None of our friends would say that we are messy, however, because no one is allowed in our apartment if it isn't clean.

We moved about a month before the girls were born. We got many of the boxes unpacked, but not all of them, so there are random boxes everywhere. Add to that baby gear that we either couldn't figure out how to say no to (baby jail [oops, sorry, pack and play], glider, baby car) or don't need anymore (swing, co-sleeper [we have two of these. Thought we'd use them, but didn't]. Oh and those clothes been meaning to give away. We DID get rid of a ton of books and give back some baby stuff.

Now we've decided that it would be best to switch rooms with the girls to give them our room. Our room is twice the size of theirs and much, much quieter. We think their room must've originally been the dining room, since it has a service window to the kitchen and it's right off the living room. That means MORE freakin' mess as we move everyone's stuff.

Laundry and dishes have been done on a triage basis since the girls were born. Meaning, the girls will always have clean clothes and bottles. Us? Not so much. Zazie's taking care of them all day, which doesn't leave a ton of time for anything else- and who wants to drag two kids, laundry bags, and a stroller to the laundry room anyway? Who can run the vacuum when girls are asleep? As for me, I get home from work, play with the girls, get them ready for bed, and then I'm ready to rest, not do laundry or clean the kitchen. And besides, doing dishes would just wake them up anyway (see: room switching).

We live in an apartment that looks like it got hit by a tornado. One day I will be neat and tidy AND clean again, but that day may be a ways off. My kingdom for a dishwasher and a washer/dryer!

What Do You Do?

2010-03-31T12:20:00.005-04:00

We're not going to raise the girls in a religious tradition. Zazie was raised Catholic, I was raised Episcopalian. Zazie's convince the whole religion thing is a crock, I'd say I'm more agnostic. We don't plan to raise the girls in church, though the Society for Ethical Culture does seem intriguing.

If you are not practicing a religion, do you celebrate Christmas or Easter? Zazie really wants to do Easter baskets for the girls. I feel a little oogie about it- for my family, Easter wasn't about Easter baskets (though we got them, of course), it was about going to church and celebrating Jesus ascending. The whole idea of Jesus (put on earth to die for our sins, eating [symbolic or real, depending on which church] his body and blood) are what make me shy away from Christianity in the first place.

If Easter doesn't have a religious meaning for you, should you celebrate it at all? I know some of the traditions we think of belonging to Easter actually come from Pagan celebrations, which is great, but if that's the point, shouldn't we celebrate the Spring equinox instead? Do we as a family really need another holiday focused on what you get (presents at Christmas, candy at Easter) and not tied to anything in particular?

We decided that they'll get small Easter baskets and we'll do something outdoors to celebrate Spring. This year, they're each getting the heuristic play baskets we've been making (they're looking GOOD!), a few books that I loved as a kid, and candy. The candy will be eaten by Mama and Mommy, of course.

So exciting!

2010-03-25T16:48:00.002-04:00

We finally put together the exersaucer my cousin lent us before the girls were born. If we hadn't been given one, I wouldn't have sought one out, but dang, they seem to be having fun with the obnoxious lights and plastic buttons!

Or should I say, Ruby's been having fun with the obnoxious lights and plastic buttons. From her loud screeching and squealing, I'd say that Ellie most enjoys playing with the round holes where the toys we can't find should go.

Heartsick

2010-03-16T11:19:00.007-04:00

This past weekend, we put our beloved cat Idgie to sleep.

She was with us from very beginning of our relationship- Zazie & I picked her out at the shelter in Tallahassee 14 years ago. She made sure that she was seen- she meowed and meowed and meowed and threw herself against the bars until she was noticed. She must've had quite a life before we found her, because her tail was crooked, an eye tooth was broken, and her ears were scarred.

She was our creamsicle cat, an orange tabby with white gloves and face and a Cindy Crawford orange "mole." She never bit, never scratched. She loved to lick you, though. Fingers, face, didn't matter... especially when she wanted you to get up in the morning to feed her. She'd come running if you called her or beckoned with your hand. If you were sad, she knew it & made sure she was around for hugs. She had an endearing way of putting her front paw on you as if to say, "hey, I'm right here." She always wanted chin scratches, and sometimes, she'd roll over and let me rub her belly.

I don't know if there are enough words to tell you how awesome our sweet Idgeleh-pidgeleh was. What I can tell you is that she is so missed. We love you, sweet cat.

That's Hilarious

2010-03-15T23:13:00.002-04:00

Eleanor thinks fake coughing is hilarious. Sometimes she also thinks Ruby's crying is funny, but that's hard to catch on camera.

What is this object like?

2010-03-15T13:50:00.004-04:00

Someone on our neighborhood listserv mentioned making a Treasure Basket for their kid. I think this is a fantastic idea- ever since I read this page to Zazie yesterday, we've been trying to come up with what we'll put in baskets for Ruby and Eleanor. We're super excited about it, I hope the girls will be too.

Gah. Scared.

2010-03-11T15:06:00.003-05:00

This is what we have to look forward to:

"How do you get your grocery shopping done? Is it possible to grocery shop with two toddlers? And if yes, I need details, please." HDYDI: What Was I thinking?

Cribs.

2010-03-10T14:32:00.002-05:00

When the girls first arrived home, we had two borrowed co-sleepers set up on either side of the bed. Honestly, after the second night of waking up every two seconds to put a pacifier back in or feed a baby, we gave up and into the bed they came. Not that we were admitting that to anyone- the co-sleepers stayed where they were, nevermind that they were filled with baby supplies and dirty clothes, just in case anyone questioned us. You read so many cautionary tales about SIDS and co-sleeping that I felt guiltyguiltydirtyguilty for cosleeping, but it just felt so right.

Until a few weeks ago. Two 1-month old babies is one thing, two 5 1/2 month olds is another. Those girls are like an additional adult right in the middle of our in our queen-size bed. An adult who sprawls out in all directions and cries when her paci falls out. I still can't walk due to pain in my hips from sleeping only on my right side at the edge of the mattress to give them room (well, that & the lack of exercise lately, but Spring is coming and SAD can just get the f* outta here). I love snuggling with those girls, but I just can't see getting a king-size mattress to continue doing so.

We started by putting them down in their cribs for naps. Now we're working on a whole bedtime routine- bath (every couple of days, a bath every night seems excessive when they're not doing much), classical music, stories (right now I Live In Music and Goodnight Moon), sleep sack, bottle, cradling, crib.

The first few days, we did the first half of the night in cribs and once they woke up for the next bottle, they came to bed with us. The last 2 nights it's been crib, feeding, then back to crib and wow! How nice to have a whole quiet evening & the whole bed to ourselves. I miss snuggling with them, but I also like snuggling with Zazie, who I feel like I haven't seen in a year (what with the pregnancy and then life with twins).

On a side note, I'd been trying to keep this baby-related, but I don't know, maybe I should start adding other stuff. I might even post more often if I post whatever. My old blog, zeebah.tronic, is now defunct (I'd done it since 2002!) - I've even cancelled my host account.

Five months already?

2010-03-04T15:05:00.004-05:00

Eleanor (l.), Ruby (r.)

My sweet girls are five months old. They both roll over. They love to stand up with help. They can both roll over, back-to-front and front-to-back. They've recently started to turn their heads to look at us when we talk to them. I find it hard to leave for work in the morning- I get too caught up kissing their faces and hands and watching their sweet smiles.

Let's take a poll.

2010-03-04T10:29:00.003-05:00

It seems that most of the non-bio moms I can think of (myself included) are "Mama." How does that happen? And why?

Zazie and I decided that we would choose what we'd be called and I got first dibs. I chose Mama partially because it seemed more Southern (a girl has to do something up here in this Yankee wilderness, I suppose), despite calling my own mother "Mommy" growing up.

Now I sometimes slip & call myself Mommy because that's the word I naturally associate with the idea of mother. How awkward that I don't even know my own name! In retrospect I have to wonder, did I choose Mama because I was insecure about my role in our family? Now that they have been here five whole months, I feel much more certain of my place. My girls are definitely my daughters and I feel it in my bones.

What do you call yourself?

Front to Back, Yo

2010-01-26T14:31:00.002-05:00

The girls can turn themselves over front to back now! Ruby first did it a few weeks ago, but she's been pretty off-and-on about doing it again. Ellie didn't turn over until last week, but last night when I turned her over for tummy time, she immediately turned over. I flipped her again, she turned over, flipped her, she turned over. Holy cow!

Today's A Day.

2010-01-14T10:30:00.002-05:00

I feel like we're never, ever going to catch up. We have so many things that we are supposed to be doing and we can't seem to find the time for any of them.

Zazie went back to work the week of Christmas. We knew when she went back that it wouldn't be for long, only long enough to have it seem legit that she's discovered that being back at work was "too much" -- not that having maternity leave covered and then quitting to stay home was always our plan. In an ideal world, Zazie could work from home part-time, but this particular company wasn't ok with that. Full-time childcare for two kids, in home or out, is a financial impossibility for us. Going down to one income seems pretty frickin' impossible too but we'd rather do that than scrimp and save so someone else can take care of our children.

She went back to work, I stayed home with the ladies during Christmas and New Year weeks, then my mom came from Texas to take over day time childcare for two weeks. Tomorrow is Zazie's last day of work. We are excited for her to be home, but fearing for our finances. Buckling down is a must... we have always played fast and loose with our financial planning but those days have to go.

Between the bottle washing, and the milk-making, and the bottle filling, and the dinner making and the dish washing and the laundry doing and the BABY LOVING, it's hard to find time to do all the other necessary tasks like finishing the second-parent adoption paperwork, submitting our FSA paperwork so we can get reimbursed for all our medical fees, creating a new budget for our new finances, sending out the thank you notes for the baby shower our friends threw for us IN AUGUST.

Lordy. At least the girls are cute and sweet and growing so fast! Ruby rolled over the other day- we didn't see it, but my mom did. And both of them are pulling themselves forward on their playmat. I took a very sweet picture of them sleeping side-by-side, Ruby has her arm tucked into El's... of COURSE I intended to upload pictures today, but sleep deprivation makes it difficult to get out of bed, and thus I ran out of time before I had to leave for work. Tomorrow!

What do you do?

2009-12-21T11:45:00.002-05:00

The day we found out we were pregnant, we were snorkeling in Belize. A family in our snorkel group had nine year-old twin boys. Zazie, of course, had a feeling from the moment the test turned positive that morning (on earliest day the test could work, by the way) that we were having twins. These were the first people we told about our pregnancy.

We had a long conversation with them that day. They told us that they didn't tell their boys who'd been born first. In fact, their boys had gotten in a discussion with one of their friends at school. This kid said: "You can't have been born at the exact same time. That's impossible." To which the boys replied, "How do you know? You're not a twin!"

We thought that was a pretty cool idea. We've learned from Zazie's sisters (who are also fraternal twins) that sometimes birth order can become pecking order. Despite being only minutes apart, one twin became the de facto "oldest."

After talking with our new Belize friends, we decided they had it right. We weren't going to tell anyone who'd been born first. We know, but no one else will.

It's been really hard, though. Who knew? People act a little insulted when they ask who was born first and we won't tell them. Zazie & I are people-pleasers and it's difficult to tell people no. We just say "We're not telling anyone."

Is there a better way to say it?

They are nearly three months old!

2009-12-15T11:55:00.002-05:00

These girls turn three months old on Sunday. (We are counting weeks instead of going by the calendar date. Does that sound right?)

This morning, I got them ready for the day and they were both smiling at me... those smiles are delicious. It's getting easier and easier to make them smile. This morning, Ruby was enjoying my kissing noises, while Ellie thought my chucking her cheeks was fantastic.

Zazie takes them to the pediatrician for their vaccinations this morning. We're doing a spread-out schedule, which I know is controversial, but they'll get them all, just not all at once. The doctor's fine with it and we feel more comfortable. I am waiting for the call that they did ok.

It is so hard to leave them in the morning and I rush home from work every night to see them again. Last night, Aunt B. was holding Ruby and Ruby started to cry and cry and cry. I can't say I wasn't pleased to have her stop crying immediately the second I started to hold her.

My sweet girls make my heart fill to bursting.

Hallelujah!

2009-11-10T11:39:00.002-05:00

The girls have had problems latching since birth. They were preemies and, though they were healthy and good-sized for twins, breastfeeding hasn't come easy. Zazie's been pumping enough for most of their bottles, but she'd like a break from that once in a while. We were told by the lactation consultant that preemies usually get the hang of it right around when they would be considered full-term.

They're a couple weeks behind, but praise jeebus, they both fed for a significant amount of time last night!! I think we might be over the hump. That's a huge weight off Zazie's mind.

And this too shall pass, yes?

2009-11-06T15:53:00.002-05:00

So far, the girls have been pretty mellow. We've fed them, burped them, changed them, played with them a bit (depending on the time of day), then they go right back to sleep. Now, holy jeebus, things have changed. If they are awake and we are not holding them, they are crying to be held. When they wake up to be fed, there's no leeway... they're 0 to OHMYGODFEEDMENOWI'MDYING. That aside, they are both thisclose to smiling & we are anxiously awaiting that day. After seeing their gassy smirks, their actual smiles will be beautiful.

6 weeks Sunday!

More pictures! Yeah!

2009-11-05T17:21:00.001-05:00

A Whole Month...

2009-10-22T10:25:00.003-04:00

Today would've been my girls' due date if... well, if there had been only one baby, or if they hadn't been breech, or if the doctor had been willing to let them go to 40 weeks.

As it is, Sunday will be their 1 month birthday! I can't believe it. They've grown so much already. This picture is from a couple of weeks ago. I had been taking pictures pretty frequently, but now that I'm back at work, it's a little difficult.

I don't know... the first few weeks, we didn't know our own names. We were bleary-eyed exhaustion. For now, though, things seem relatively easy. The "zoo" part of Zeebah & Zazie will happen later, I guess. They eat at regular intervals, they sleep, they're alert for longer and longer periods of time. Neither of them are criers- well, they are, but they're usually just trying to tell us something & they're quickly consolable.

My girls are awesome.

My beautiful ladies

2009-10-02T21:14:00.002-04:00

Ruby Dianne & Eleanor Kate

September 27, 2009

4 lbs., 14 oz. and 5 lbs., 12 oz.

We are at home & in love. More later.

That's It!

2009-09-17T15:50:00.002-04:00

When Zazie went to the doctor this afternoon, both of our darlings were breech. Argh! That means Baby B, who's always been transverse since the beginning, has moved, but not in the way that we'd like. Stubborn baby! There's no external version option with twins and moxibustion seems unpleasant, so I guess we're going to be crossing our fingers for them to do a 180 between now and....

October 9th!!!

Our girls, if they don't decide to show up on their own before then, will be born by c-section on October 9th. How crazy & frightening & awesome!

A Lovely Weekend

2009-09-14T11:13:00.003-04:00

Everyone we know with children has been urging us to get out and do things before we no longer have the chance. This weekend we were very busy!

Saturday, we went to [bigSwedishboxstore] to get a dresser and bookshelf for the girls' room. In an ideal world, we would get an antique/vintage real wood dresser, but we are running out of time and there's no good (read:cheap) antiquing here in the City. Last night I began putting together the dresser. I stopped when I realized that I had assembled a drawer the wrong way and couldn't pull the pieces apart to reassemble it the right way (stupid plastic screws!). When I get tired, I get ridiculously frustrated and when I get frustrated, I stop thinking clearly, so it's better to finish assembling later this week.

My dresser assembly attempts thwarted, I stayed up way too late sorting all of their clothes and blankets and towels and washclothes so we can wash them. Seriously, all those little onesies and pants were killing me! I can't believe we will meet them so soon.

We also hung out with a lovely lesbian couple and their boy/girl twins on Saturday night. You know it's good when you can spend 5+ hours with people you've just met! Bonus, they live within walking distance (or short bus ride) from us. Our girls will need to be around other families like ours and it's a bonus that we like this family so much!

Yesterday, we had a very New York day. We saw Bye Bye Birdie on Broadway (short review: headliners need to work on singing, Kim & other cast good, sets & costumes great), then followed up with dinner at Ben's, a kosher deli. I had matzoh ball soup & corned beef on rye, Zazie had mushroom-barley soup & brisket. We left stuffed and happy.

Happy Anniversary!

2009-09-09T10:13:00.001-04:00

Happy fourteenth anniversary!

Can you believe our luck? We have each other and we have not one, but two, sweet baby girls on the way...

I love you, honey. May we have fifteen million more!

Latest Doc Visit

2009-09-04T12:52:00.000-04:00

Today is 33 weeks!! We can't believe it. Yesterday, someone pointed out that if full-term for twins is 36 (that's up for debate, as far as I can tell, we're only 3 weeks away! Talk about spurring us into action... we're getting the girls' room ready, but we have yet to get our hospital bags ready. I just printed out a list for Zazie and a list for me. Nursing bras are ordered, other supplies have been purchased, and the only thing left is to gather and pack what we already have. I've unilaterally decided that we're going to take care of the bag this weekend. That'll be a load off my mind.

At Zazie's checkup this week, we found out that the girls are measuring 4 lbs. 3 oz. and 4 lbs. 1 oz.! We're very pleased that they're on track, even for singletons. Zazie read a book early on called When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads that recommended, in addition to just eating normally, that you add specfic types of foods at different times of your pregnancy. They really emphasize eating protein (especially beef and pork). We've been eating a ton of those things lately. The transition from mostly beans/veg/white meat to red meat and eggs has been rough for us, but the girls seem to be doing well so far, so why mess with a good thing?

Zazie's blood pressure, sugars, etc. are normal. The girls are breech. Baby B's always hung out sideways under Zazie's ribs, Baby A shifts every week, it seems, though she has yet to be head-down (the optimal position for labor) for even one doctor's visit. What a stinker! They still have time to shift so Zazie can have a va.ginal birth. Cross your fingers for us.

2009-09-03T22:10:00.000-04:00

This is a picture Zazie took this afternoon in the girls' room. Our cat, Idgie, is hanging out peacefully while our angry dolls look on. Once we get the room completed, I'll post pictures.

The shoot/interview went really, really well. I don't know if they're going to use any of the footage that we were so embarrassed by. We are very pleased at how it went...

Tonight Tonight.

2009-09-03T11:14:00.000-04:00

Tonight's the night that the film crew comes. I think somehow we passed their test with the first interview we had. Last time they filmed, it was just the producer and a camera person, but this time, it'll be the producer, the director, and at least one camera person. They'll be arriving at our house at 5:30 (before I get home), so I've been told to text as I'm heading home so they can attach a microphone pack on me before I go up to the apartment.

Last night, the producer came over to take pictures of the apartment so they could plan the set-up and lighting. Zazie said they even took a picture of the cat box. They like the idea that we're in "transition"- ie, we just moved to a new apartment & we're expecting our lovely girls. They asked us to keep a few boxes aside so we can unpack. As girls who never let anyone into our apartment unless we've cleaned, this is a difficult situation. They want to show us in transition, but we don't want to give a permanent impression that we're anything less than put together!

We'll make dinner, we'll put together the bookshelf for the girls' room, and then, I don't know what we'll do... they want to film us "doing our thing" for two hours. What the heck are we going to talk about? It goes against the purpose of a documentary if I come up with a list of topics to talk about, right?

I'll have plenty more to tell you tomorrow, I'm sure. I'll take pictures of the girls' room- it's really starting to take shape and look nice. I'll also take pictures of the crew... turnabout's fair play.

It's Raining, It's Pouring...

2009-08-28T17:06:00.000-04:00

This weekend is our shower! It's unbelievable how time flies... we are looking forward to seeing our family & friends. S. was kind enough to offer up her house to our ridiculous shower guest list of TWENTY-EIGHT people. Twenty-eight people in a Manhattan apartment... G-d bless her. K. headed up all the planning and organizing and cooking, and other friends are also cooking. How nice are our friends?

Zazie had her 32 week check-up yesterday. They got a great shot of Baby B... she was sleeping, but her face was pointed directly at the camera. This is the first time we've been able to get a good look at her lovely little face. Poor Baby A is just in a much more difficult to see postion, so we never get good pictures of her. Zazie was supposed to send the pictures so I could post them, but she's been too busy doing actual work (G-d forbid!) to email them.

The problem with being on "modified bedrest" and working from home is that it seems that working never really stops. The computer's right there, we can connect quickly... while on the Internet, why not check the work email? Why not answer the boss's email at 10:30pm? It's a slippery slope, people.

Crib Update

2009-08-27T11:27:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm sure everyone's on the edge(s?) of their seat(s?) waiting to hear our decision. Haha.

After talking with a friend last night who pointed out that they're not making as many cribs with drop-downs because of safety concerns, we're just going to wait until October and get the crib we want sans drop-down. We've got 2 co-sleepers, thanks to my cousin and Zazie's cousin, and we'll be using those for the first few months anyway, so we'll have plenty of time.

Aah! That counter at the top of the page makes my stomach flip! We will get to meet them so soon!!! Zazie goes to the doctor this afternoon... hopefully, we'll get pictures of both of them & I can post them.

Crib Drama

2009-08-26T16:31:00.000-04:00

Zazie's dad's baby present was going to be cribs for the girls. Zazie just got a call from the manufacturer. Apparently, there were 2 cribs in white left in stock, but when they opened the boxes, they were both water-damaged. They won't be back in stock until October, and even then, the new version of the crib won't have a drop-down side! If we want this style, we'll have to get either cherry or oak. Yuck.

Cherry? Oak? Or another crib entirely? I just want to have things settled.

They're Gonna Put Me in the Movies...

2009-08-25T12:33:00.001-04:00

Zazie and I did an interview with a documentary film crew a few weeks ago. They're coming back for more footage and interview tomorrow night because apparently, the director liked us (he was not at the initial interview).

We're dragging our feet on this one. We were nervous the first time, but now we're dreading it. The documentary is supposed to be about love in the big city, but they seemed to focus a lot on our donor and how we picked him during the first interview, resulting in some funny (read: embarrassing) quotes from me that I'm sure they're going to use. We were pretty unhappy with the focus... I can only assume that the two (young-ish) straight girls doing the interview were oblivious and not familiar with our type of baby-making situation. We also were filmed in our old apartment, which was in shambles after weeks of packing in preparation for our move, in front of a bunch of boxes.

Tomorrow, they want to film us for TWO hours doing house stuff, then do an interview. The apartment is STILL a wreck because we've been trying to paint and unpack with Lauren unable to do much at all because she's on modified bedrest. Plus, our new place, while much better than the old, doesn't have nearly the nooks and crannies to shove the stuff we don't want filmed.

We'd scrap the whole thing, but we've already signed a release for the other footage, so they'll probably use it anyway. We're hoping to redeem ourselves with tomorrow's shoot. We'll see.

UPDATE: I just spoke with the director. In addition to the stuff around the house and the interview, they also want to film us getting ready for bed. Ahahahahahahaha. Zazie's going to looooove that.

So Much to Do, So Little Time

2009-08-18T10:40:00.000-04:00

We moved into our new place this past week. It is fantastic, even more so now that the air conditioners were installed. Zazie started working from home this week & working from home, 7 1/2 month pregnant, with no a/c in an east-facing apartment on the 12th floor was too much for her, as were sleeping and also just existing.

We had our first meeting with our attorney about our wills and the second-parent adoption. We realize that the originals of documents like birth certificates and domestic partnership are currently missing, either because they're in a box somewhere or just gone. Hopefully, they're misplaced.

We have a lot of work ahead of us, between getting our documentation together and unpacking and painting. And then there's getting the girls' room ready! AAAAAhhhh!

Follow Along, Friends

2009-08-11T14:09:00.000-04:00

After a months and months long hiatus, I'm (that's me, Zeebah) going to start writing again. But since we're now expecting two sweet girls in a few months, I'm adding Zazie as an author so we can write about them once they're here (and write about what's happening now)!

A little about us, in case you're just tuning in: we're a 30-something lesbian couple in Brooklyn, NYC. We've been together 14 years in September. We were married in Connecticut last May. We conceived twin girls via an anonymous donor. They're due in late October, but we're expecting their arrival anytime after the end of September since twins are usually early.