Today it Starts

I had vials shipped to the doctor today. Tonight, I start the meds. I can't believe the day is here. It's a little scary to realize that I've been cramming for this test that's completely out of my control through diet and acupuncture and soon I know whether I pass or I fail. I know that isn't the right terminology, but I have to admit that it feels that way. I've always had confidence in my body- it might not look perfect, but it's served me well over the years. I feel differently after learning that I might have problems getting pregnant... what the hell did I do to deserve that? Oh, yeah. Smoking for years, drinking too much, possible sh*tty heredity (my mom went into menopause early). Zazie points out that there's no way to know if any of those things contributed or whether it's just a sh*tty fluke. So whatever. How unfair that getting pregnant isn't a test you can pass through your own skill- it's just up to fate!

The docs have talked to us about the number of embryos to put in. (Knock on wood the cycle works at all). We've decided on one. We already have twins, we can't handle another set and I can't bear the thought of a "selective reduction" if we were blessed with another two. I just think about what would happen if we'd selectively reduced Ru or El... they are both so fantastic and delicious that the thought of missing out on one of them makes me teary. I feel really solid on this decision but I occasionally I get a "what if this doesn't work because we decided to put in one and I'm SOL?" I get one shot at this IVF thing. If it doesn't work, my insurance won't cover a whole additional cycle (we'd have to pay out-of-pocket for about half and we don't have money for that). So this it. The last (and only) hurrah. What kind of freaking hurrah involves weeks of doctors visits, ultrasounds, medsmedsmeds, and possibly ends in nothing but a period?

I am trying to be content in our decision. I've pulled out all my talismans. I've been wearing the Virgin Mary necklace my friend A wore for many years.  I've been wearing the liger shirt I wore when we were trying with Ru and El because it reminded me of a childhood picture of our donor. Under our bed, I have dandelions from Ireland given to us by a friend who swears by her family's fertility tradition. I've been breathing deep and praying. That's all I can do for now. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

The universe is having a laugh

I sent Zazie out to write Friday night, and then once I put the girls to bed, I laid in bed and cranked up Built to Spill on my iPod and wallowed and felt sorry for myself and cried for a couple of hours.

What happened the next day? The babies I already have got a stomach virus. They needed love and attention in between all the throwing up. Both of them refused any receptacle, so we were cleaning up all over the house. They even ran through all their crib sheets. Sunday, they felt better, we went to the playground,they took a long nap. Sunday night, though, we made the mistake of giving them too much dinner, and the puking began again. Oh, and my period started. I stayed home from work yesterday because Zazie got it too.

Today I'm in jury duty. What awesome! Though I have to say that being able to blog from the jury waiting area is a huge improvement over the last time I was here, when there was no wifi.

I'm feeling a little more positive about the IVF. I put it off for another cycle. I'm using the time to get acupuncture, take supplements (CoQ10, royal jelly, Wheatgrass/chlorella), cut out caffeine/ booze (seriously, what was I thinking not cutting these out?), do a detox diet. My thinking is that while I can't do anything about my amh number, I can certainly improve my fsh with diet and acupuncture and exercise. My fsh was not crazy high, just a couple points out of the normal range. I'm already feeling better with the changes and it's only been a few days. I may feel so good that I stick with it, no matter the IVF outcome.

Funny, I just didn't think of that.

Bad news at the follow-up with the RE yesterday. Turns out that I have a low AMH and high FSH- both of those things are not good. AMH determines how many reserve follicles you have, FSH determines how well you might respond to treatment. The doctor said that even with IVF I have only a 10-20% chance of it working.

I'm not an optimist by nature. Those are really shitty odds, people. I'm only going to get one shot at this because we are doing this on a shoestring to start and after 1 cycle, my insurance will run out. I have to admit that this has really thrown me for a loop.

Looky Looky! That Ain't No Cookie!

It's only the second week of NaBloPoMo and I've already missed several days. Honestly, with my blogging track record recently, I am happy to be blogging once a week. I'm also happy to see my traffic going up. Hi everyone!

Love Invents Us has kindly published some prompts and thank g-d for that! I will definitely use some of them this month.

After our visit with the girls' aunt this week, I wanted to talk about all the weirdness and politics that goes on in our donor sibling group with our donors' family (our open donor from the sperm bank became a known donor after he died a while back), but I started writing that post and I'm getting all tangled up. Too many things to explain to do that easily, so I will save that for later!

So let's talk about toddler eating habits.

We have a girl who eats most anything (loves BROCK-y! olives! pickles! all the things toddlers don't normally like! ) and a girl who eats very few things. We are lucky that our girl who eats very few things mainly prefers plain and/or healthy things like tofu, but she still frustrates us daily. Regular foods both of them are: pasta, tofu, plain yogurt, peanut butter (on waffles/toast), black beans and rice, hot dogs (organic chicken, beef or turkey), bananas (and other fruit- they never refuse fruit!), waffles, eggs. Ru used to eat cheese, but she's stopped that too. They don't drink juice and they only have cake or cookies or other desserts on rare special occasions.

How do we get them to eat vegetables? I'd add veg to sauces if Ru would eat sauce on anything.

We are trying so hard to keep power struggles away from the table. We offer things, but we don't push. Instead, if Ru refuses to eat what's being served, we'll give her a serving of plain yogurt or beans or something else. But seriously, she LOOKS at food and decides she's not going to eat it. There's no "just taste it"... we don't even get to that point. As girls with food issues, we want to keep our kids from struggling- especially since they will most likely have weight problems with their genes, let's be honest. We don't want them to feel pressure because we don't want them to eat every bite of something just because someone offered it (unless they want to of course). But dang, sometimes you just want to force them to eat just a bite.

Anyone have tips? Or a cookbook you like?

Oh what a blah day

Went to bed on time last night, but then I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night. I can't keep my mind from whatever bad stuff is going on. Right now that's money. There's not much you can do to fix that kind of problem in the middle of the night. Consequently, I was tired and down and anxious all day, culminating in a very teary ride home. So I'm going to sleep now before it gets any later!

In under the wire

Donor's sister is visiting this week. She's twenty, and being around her makes me realize how very old I am. She just teased me for watching Cosby Show as my comforting palate cleanser after the goriness of Walking Dead. Apparently, no one her age ever watched it- they all made fun of it! Ah well. At least when I check F.b in the middle of a conversation with her, she doesn't think I'm totally rude! Guess there are tradeoffs. :)

Trick or Treat!

Trick or treating was a success! I have a cute video too, but I will have to wait until later to show you... I can't figure out how to move it over from F.b.

El was a bear, Ru was a kitty. We tried to use eyeliner and lipstick to give them whiskers and noses, but they flipped out, so we gave up. Our neighborhood has its own little parade. We took the girls over. El was so busy looking around at people that she kept running into strollers, curbs, and other people. Ru instantly got into the swing of trick-or-treating, but it took El a bit to warm up. After a few houses, they were ready to climb the stairs to get their treats. We didn't get them to say "trick-or-treat" but they were saying please and thank you. Polite kids make me happy.

Zazie gave them each a piece of candy corn yesterday, so all day long they were asking for more "Corn!" (they didn't get any). El carried two candy bars around in her left hand while she trick-or-treated. They'd shift, she'd set her pumpkin and the chocolates on the sidewalk, readjust the chocolates in her hand and keep walking. Thank goodness they don't know from candy yet, but I think I have a candy hangover from all that I ate last night. I think all the sugar made me catch a cold.

Ruby has started saying "yes, ma'am!"- that's a little weird, because we're not a yes ma'am no ma'am house, but sometimes, I'll say yes ma'am in response to something. Maybe that's it?

Speaking of the opposite of polite, we went to the neighborhood Chinese place to get dinner on the way back. A pre-teen came in with his buddies and he was asking the guy behind the counter how much a chicken wing costs. Guy tells him 1 wing is a dollar. Kid says Will you give me 2 for $1.50? (Uh, yeah, kid, this guy's going to barter with you) Guy doesn't respond for a minute. Kid gets belligerent, saying something like "You know, it's Bloods' week and I'm gonna tell them to come pop you." Kid turns to his friends, who are both like, no man, they're not going to come all the way out here for Chinese food. Then he's saying stuff about s*ck my *ahem* to this guy. It was all I could do to not say "look, kid, my girls don't need to hear your foul mouth," but I held my tongue. Until the kid turns to me when we're walking out the door and says "did you hear him tell me to s*ck his *ahem*?" Well, that just flipped my old lady switch. I said,"I'm sure he did NOT tell you any such thing. And you need to not be so disrespectful to him." I'm not sure what the kid thought the outcome would be, but it was clear he was a little taken aback. Thank goodness that turned out well because it so easily could've gone the other way. Preteens are scary because they're unpredictable.