So much news

And then there was The Appendicitis that ruined both my birthday (I spent 8 hours in the emergency room ON my birthday and only one person there noticed!) and a good part of March. You see, they took my appendix out, but left a lot of infection swimming around in my intestines. After ten days in the hospital, the doctors finally decided that perhaps the drugs weren't working and did another cat scan... Then they put a drain in my back to take the stuff that wasn't supposed to be inside me out and sent me home. (I am skipping over the bits that made me think I might die in the hospital and had my family looking up malpractice attorneys.) That drain didn't work. after nearly a week at home where I could only get out of bed for ten minutes at a time and I ate next to nothing, I found another surgeon. She put me back in the hospital, this time at a huge hospital with a great reputation (instead of the shitty, threatened-with-closing one closer to home), and they gave me another drain that did the trick! Finally! I was back at work almost exactly one month after I left.

And now, a little more than one month after that, I'm leaving that job to take one in Pittsburgh! That's right, after years of "should we move here? No, that won't work..." we're moving someplace that has never been on our radar! As we start to tell friends and acquaintances, it seems that everyone loves it or knows someone who lives there. More on that later....

Not so embarrassed anymore

It wasn't constipation, it was appendicitis. Surgery was this morning. No one's sure how I made it as long as I did w/o having to come in. Guess that's because my appendix didn't rupture until just before I went into the OR. More later when I don't feel like shit.

Totally TMI

I have a job interview today with a firm moving to the town where we went to college and met. This would be a sweet, awesome deal even if I have to take a pay cut (I will). We can afford a house, see family more often, oh man oh man.

OF COURSE today I have the worst constipation I have ever had. People, I haven't really pooped since Thursday, despite taking "stool softeners" etc. This morning, I felt sick and couldn't eat breakfast, so I stuck with a big cup of coffee. You know what happened? I threw up over and over again after trying to brush my teeth. I am in a fog because I couldn't sleep very well last night. Everything hurts like I'm getting sick, but I know that it's just because my body isn't working right at the moment. I can barely walk.

I need your good thoughts/prayers, whatever you got. This job is mine to lose and I'm so f&cking scared I will.

Unbearable

Caemon lost his battle with leukemia yesterday. I keep thinking of all the stories I've read about this brave, sweet, wonderful boy.

My thoughts are with him and his moms today. My heart aches for them.

I've had it.

I have been mentally done with my job for several years now. I wanted to leave, but I knew that I needed to hang on here because of our health insurance, which covered  my IVF treatment (and Zazie's process for the older girls), save for co-pays. Now that H's here, I am ready. to. go. Like, yesterday.

For my field, NYC is a great place to be because there are so many firms large enough to have my kind of library. Problem is, you're living in NYC and all that entails.I have loved NYC for the 13 years we have been here, but now that we are staring down the barrel of pre-k and the financial reality of raising three children here, I am ready to leave.

But where?

I am applying to jobs here in the city, in the hopes that someone will pay me more than I make now. If they do, it is conceivable that we can begin to dig our way out of the deep, deep financial hole we find ourselves in and then move to Jersey or a better school district. Problem is that I have many years of experience but no supervising experience, so I don't qualify for a library of my own or they don't want to pay me enough.

I probably wouldn't get hired in Canada (no one needs an American librarian with my specialty). The middle's out (got a nibble on a Dallas job, but Zazie was SO opposed it wasn't even funny). Most of the south is out, except Atlanta because of proximity to family/friends but I'd have to take a major pay cut. West coast would be ok, but SF is just as f*cking expensive and LA is pretty darn expensive too. Seattle... we spent a weekend there for a wedding and there were too many dudes in kilts. Boston? I don't know... cold and those accents. DC might be good, but it's nearly as expensive as NY and all that traffic. So basically, unless I switch specialties or fields, it's NY/NJ and ugh. We will never make enough money, and it isn't like I have lofty, expensive goals for my life- you just can't ever make enough money here to have the normal standard of living people have elsewhere.

I just applied to a job in Portland. I think it would be perfect. I haven't ever been to Portland, but it looks gorgeous, cost of living is less, it's liberal... and this job would give me my own library. I applied last Thursday and haven't heard anything back yet. That's not unusual... the nibbles I've had so far have come a week or so after I first apply. Portland just seems so appealing and not too many jobs come up. I'm hoping because my job is fairly specialized that they'll be interested in me, despite the fact they'd probably need to pay something to relocate us.

In the meantime, I am jumping out of my skin at the possibility. I would be sad to leave our friends, but as a former military brat, I get excited about someplace new. Or if not that job, SOMETHING else better. Guh.

This girl...

At her 2 month appointment, which happened at more like 2 1/2 months, this girl was 13 1/2 pounds and 24 inches long, which puts her in the 90th and 97th percentile. My mom sent my height/weight chart and she's at the same point I was at her age. I'm 5'11", donor was 6'0", so girl's gonna be big. She has a delicious smile. She even laughed a couple times night before last! (I guess we haven't been that funny since then)

This girl cracks me up. We spent a good 10 minutes last night with our faces just inches from each other singing "We arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre Pink-a-LICIOUS!" very loudly. I don't know why, other than that someone gave the girls that book and we read it for the first (and second, and third, and fourth) time yesterday. 

This girl is an awesome big sister and a sweet, sweet girl. She told me last night, "You're doing a GREAT job making milk for H., Mama" as I used the breast pump. I think, however, that she is having a hard time now that there is ANOTHER person to share attention with. Or maybe she's just three... who knows? 

A year ago...

And everyone gets through the night
And everyone wakes up alright
And the fear you feel will pass
Then a calmness that will last

A year ago, I laid on our bed in the dark and cried for an hour while listening to this song. The doctors told me I had a less than 10% chance of getting pregnant. I felt hopeless, knowing that the IVF process I was going through was our one and only shot of getting pregnant.

Now I have a deliciously fat baby that woke me up three times last night to eat and two gorgeous big girls who gave me "birthday presents" (stuffed animals wrapped in scarves and put in a F.resh D.irect cardboard box) to wake me up this morning. I can't believe my luck.

My love and prayers to those of you who are going through the process right now.