Monday, March 28, 2011

Have I had a change of heart? Our adoption went through last Wednesday. Just the week before, I'd received a call from our attorney saying we still had a few other pieces of information that needed to be finalized. Two days after that, we were told the adoption was going through because the judge needed to clear his caseload. Procrastinating! Sometimes it doesn't bite you in the ass! It was a very anti-climatic five minutes in a conference room, alot of yesses and that is corrects, and then the girls were legally mine! I won't have to wake up in the middle of the night, worrying that we hadn't finished the adoption. And suddenly, I felt like a weight was lifting. Then I saw an ad for what would be a more prestigious and better paying job. And I applied and was told by the recruiter that she was passing my information along, so my spirits were lifted higher. Basically, our plan has been for me to stick with my job long enough to get pregnant and take maternity leave. My job offers faboo reproductive benefits, so I will be able to do IVF right off the bat and have it covered. After our experience trying to get pregnant with the girls and all of the failed IUIs and the sads that go along with that, and having limited supply of our donor, we need to get right to it. Time frame has been to start right around the girls' second birthday. If I switch jobs, I need to do that in the next two months so that if everything sticks, I'll be at that job for a year to take maternity leave. That's IF the job offers reproductive benefits, which not all do. All of the sudden this weekend, though, I started thinking about what it would be like if we don't go for a third. No need for a behemoth car. We might even be able to AFFORD a car. (Haha) The possibility of staying in NYC (3 bedrooms are a rarity, but 4 bedrooms under 3000 a month? Not happening with three kids). Lauren going back to work. My switching to a more lucrative job. There are so many things that will become more difficult with three kids, as well: day-to-day care, paying for those kids (clothes, braces, food, classes), the strain of having three kids on OUR relationship (we don't have much help and we can't afford help now WITHOUT three kids), more years of Zazie staying home. We'll have to move, most likely not in the tri-state area. Not to mention, I am FREAKING out about moving back South, with or without the second-parent adoption. Here in NYC, it's just a given that there are out gay people and if you have a problem with that, then YOU'RE the freak. Religion isn't seen as a polite topic of conversation. Even if we don't have close gay and lesbian couple friends, we know many as acquaintances or through parent groups. It is conceivable that we could move to a neighborhood where our girls will be one of several kids from same-sex households here. Atlanta? Maybe, but I'm not sure we can afford the "gay" neighborhoods on the salary I'll make there, and so that sets them up for an uphill battle I don't want for them. Religion is front and center there. Plus, I just won't be able to have the kind of job I'm hoping to get and I certainly won't get paid as much. Zazie will have difficulties finding design work at all. I always wanted to have a kid. Now I have two and I love them with a heart full-to-bursting. Are they enough or do I want another that has my genes? Does my desire to have a baby outweigh all the sacrifices we'll have to make? Zazie's staying out of it and being very supportive, but I know that she'll be relieved if I say two's enough. I don't want to say, ah, forget it, let's stop and then end up regretting my decision after it's too late. Any other non-bio mamas in my situation? Or anyone, really... thoughts on this?


  1. It's not the same situation, but...we have two preschool daughters from my prior marriage and we're trying for our 3rd (and 4th?) now. You definitely have some legitimate concerns about living in NYC and we are seriously envious of you're larger gay community. Two sides to everything really. More money spent...but more giggles and hugs and scraped knees. More up all nights and fevers, but more recitals and plays and soccer games. If you think you'll regret probably will. Lol I'm no help. I can totally agree with you either way.

  2. might get 2 more. just sayin'. it's a possiblity. it happens. :)
    I'm glad that you are really thinking about it.

    If you had 1....I'd TOTALLY talk you into another one. 2's a good number. 5's good too...but 2 is a really nice even number.

    Follow your heart. keep talking to yourself. it will work out the way it's supposed to.

  3. You know, K, whenever people point out the possibility of 2 on the next try, I'm like, "geez, what do you know? and why are you trying to jinx us?" But I can't say that with you. :)

    No, but seriously, next time, we will put in one egg. ONE! as long as the doc says we have a good chance. If we put in two, and both eggs make it, we will have two babies (we couldn't "reduce" or whatever the "polite" term is) and two more babies? We really will go to the poorhouse and the insane asylum. Do they have someplace that's both of those? ;)

  4. not everyone gives birth to be a mother. not that YOU don't know that. but as a woman who always wanted a baby and now will never have the chance, i can say that having your girls is as real as anything. and what is so great about passing on our genes? and we don't all get the same experiences and thats wonderful. i have children in my life that i love as if they were mine! and i am not a lesser woman for this, i'm just a different than birth mothers. and planning for your kids' future is the most motherly thing i've ever heard you say. not just planning, but providing and hoping for more to give them and yourselves. i love you and whatever you decide will bring me great joy.