My New Lady

Our little H will be two months old tomorrow. I am still writing her birth story for you, but for now, I'll tell you that her birth was a whirlwind! She was born on my grandmother's birthday weighing 8 lbs. 15 oz. She is a gorgeous chunk of love and we are all so lucky.

Haha.

At the doctor's appointment yesterday, I was told I'm 80% effaced, 2-3 cm dilated. Haha. Commence to freaking the f_ out. As you might remember, I was 36 weeks yesterday. I know in my heart of hearts she could come at any time now (the girls were born at 36.5), but you know, knowing and knowing are two different things. My best friend reminds me that she was on bedrest for months and was at nearly the same spot I was when they took her off at 37 weeks. Her son wasn't born until he was induced for low amniotic fluid a day after his due date. So she could hang around a while. Zazie said to the doctor, "She needs to just stay in until Grandma comes on the 25th" and the doctor said "Well....." (cue dramatic pause and shoulder shrugging). We'll see.

Guess who's now planning all the stuff we need to get done asap? Yeah. The procrastinator's getting sh*t taken care of. Though I know that everything will work out even if we DON'T have everything ready (we certainly weren't ready for the girls), I'd rather not be in that place again, where we have to stumble, sleep-deprived, to the store to buy supplies like diapers because we didn't before she's born.

The girls were very disappointed with my ultrasound experience at the doctor yesterday. They keep talking about how they "didn't see the baby on the screen" this time, since the tech was concentrating on measurements and didn't really give us a good profile shot. I know they will be fine, but I am a little sad that these are the last weeks that we will have with just the four of us.

This weekend was fantastic.

So lots of this happened this weekend...

The girls' half-sib and her mom came to stay with us this weekend. The half-sib is super sweet and her mom is awesome. We'd met them once before on our Disney trip last year, but we haven't seen them since because they live on the West Coast. We have a large group of donor families that we're aware of. We want to keep peripheral contact with all of them for the girls, but some families are special. These are families that we will go out of our way to visit... A&R are one of them. You know you've had a good visit when you are said that your houseguests are leaving!

The girls' third birthday was last week. This is the first year that they really "got" it. Strangely, two days before their birthday, E started saying that she was going to get "a real tea set" at their party... their main gift was a tea set, so that was a little weird!

The party on Sunday was a success... we had it outside at a local playground. Not only did the rain hold off, but we had the playground to ourselves for most of the afternoon! A few of the other area half-sibs came too.

Sleeping.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor, who told me I probably had a virus. That was exactly what I was expecting she'd say. I've been going to this particular practice for going on 10 years now, off and on, and I think I've been prescribed antibiotics maybe once? I guess that's as much a testament to my general health as it is to their reluctance to prescribe. I'm glad they aren't pushing the meds, but sometimes when you feel sh*tty, you just want someone to say "here's what's wrong. take this and it'll be fixed." Between the diagnosis of "suck it up" (not at all what the doc told me, that's just my message to myself) and the 9 hours of sleep I had, I'm feeling much better today.

One of the girls' half-sibs and her mom are with us this weekend for the girls' birthday (which was yesterday). We are excited because we love the two of them, but a little freaked out because the bug situation in our apartment is gross. We live in a multi-story building, we've always had problems with bugs, but since I've been pregnant, we haven't let them spray, only put down gel. Well, that only works for a bit and now. Eek. Between the bugs and the freaking tiny apartment where our guests will be luxuriating in the palatial space we call the living room floor, we are hoping that her visit doesn't make her run screaming from us as fast as she can.

Their birthday party is Sunday. We've planned it for a local playground. Cross your fingers that it doesn't rain, otherwise we'll have 14 kids plus parents and sundry others shoved into our apartment. If that doesn't make a preggo crave some booze, I don't know what will.

How do I do this?

Ugh. People. I am not sure how I'm going to make it through the next month. I feel like I'm going to keel over and die. I am so exhausted and in such a bad mood most of the time.

The girls have been getting up at butt-crack o'clock every morning... I get up with them whenever they show up in our room (between 5:45 and 6:00), stay up until Lauren gets up at 7:30, then go back to sleep for a half an hour-ish. We have tried the wake-up alarms, but the girls just don't give a sh*t and get up whenever they damn well please. Plus, I've been sick the last week and a half with what the doctor told me today might be viral bronchitis (ie there's nothing they can do for me- annoying!).

The poor girls have been getting the brunt of it. I don't want to yell at them. I want to be the ideal positive parenting example, but it's so freakin' hard. Thing is, they either don't respond to yelling (ie they ignore you) or they get upset and start crying. Neither of those outcomes are what I want. I guess I'm just going to give in on most things for now... let them watch fifteen hours of Art.hur or games on my iPad, let Ru wash her toy horse in the sink for an hour. I just feel so impatient and annoyed with them much of the time. I really want to snap out of that, because that is bullsh*t and not the parent I want to be.

So, so wrong.

Our baby shower invitations went out. We didn't have much stuff that we needed, but we had a few things, so we made a registry. I can't stop myself, I have checked the registry several times to see what people got us. It's like knowing where your parents hid the Christ.mas presents and sneaking a peek. I need to stop!

So what would YOU do?

On Saturday, friends came over for dinner with their three kids. Halfway through, the oldest started laying on her mom saying she didn't want to play, that she didn't feel well. Turns out she'd had diarrhea and a fever all day! And they still brought her over!

This couple is notorious among our friends for bringing sick kids to events. Then their sick kids get everyone else sick. It doesn't help that their kids are always sick- either they're just sickly or it's that they're in daycare.  They never cancel. They just bring them snotty, feverish, pooping excessively, whatever.

Now Ellie's sick and I'm pissed. Who brings sick kids over to play, especially when one of their moms is pregnant? I guess since their kids are always sick they don't give a sh*t? I don't want our kids to live in a bubble, but they get sick every. single. time. we see this couple.

Is there a tactful way to say, "Hey, could you please cancel? Or could one of you stay home with the sick kid?"

Wow.

It's been a long time since I've posted here, huh?

We hit 32 weeks on Tuesday. I think taking the hospital tour last week and having our first doula meeting (aside from the interview) this weekend has snapped us into reality.

We are both in disbelief that this baby will be here in two months. In two months (give or take), we will be parents to THREE children.

Between now and my due date (beginning of November, btw), we have so many weekend visitors and the girls' third birthday. Zazie's dad comes in two weeks. The weekend after that is the girls' birthday, plus a visit from a half-sib (also named Ru) and her mom. The weekend after that we have our baby shower. Two weeks after that, the girls' aunt (donor's sis) is visiting. Then my mom around Halloween and stays until Miss H is born.

Holy hell. That's a lot of visitors in our tiny apartment at what will be a very hectic and uncomfortable time for me. What the heck are we thinking? There's not much to do to prepare (third kid=lackadaisical preparation. We have clothes, boobs, a place for her to sleep- what else is there to do?), but I hope we can get everything done with all these people coming to visit!

Several big things to do before this baby gets here, all involving the girls: switch them to toddler beds, move their car seats to the back of the minivan (and install new baby's!), and hardcore potty train them. We finally got another toddler bed to match the one we picked up at a garage sale, we just need to put it together. The girls have been climbing out of their cribs for weeks now, so we're hoping that the change won't inspire later bedtimes/earlier wake-ups than we're getting now. We are sad about the car seats- the girls will be SO far away from us now. We were supposed to hardcore potty train once we got back from our big trip this summer, but it hasn't happened. The girls have constant access to the potty, but we don't remind them to use it... we occasionally ask and they occasionally go on their own, but we haven't really put any effort into it yet. It sure would be nice to not have to change three sets of diapers.

Fluff

My sweet hammy girls

Ru says I'm crushing your head

                                 

El says hi

A favorite game: The girls stand across the room. They shout Mooooooooooooom! (it used to be Mama! but they've shortened it for some reason) I shout Ru! El! and then hold my arms out. They run toward me at full speed for hugs, and then run back across the room to do it again. Last night, they were making up crazy runs, shaking heads, spinning in a circle, kicking their feet. Too cute. My back was soooooo tweaked, though.

Friday!

Oh, thank god. Nothing particular makes me say that, but it's always nice to have days where you don't have to come to work.

Ru is so sassy. I know you're not supposed to assign traits to your kids, but dude. Last night, sitting at the table, she kept poking her fork in my arm. I asked her not to once, she did it again, so I took the fork away for a minute or so. Her response? She shoved her plate across the table! I took her over to the time out chair. When she came back, we hugged, I told her why she went to time out, and the girl gave me such a look. If she was thirteen, she'd have rolled her eyes at me. I am sure that I didn't handle things correctly, but what the heck? It also doesn't help that I can't seem to correct her or send her to time out without laughing. She's a tricky monkey.

Ellie is so ticklish. She loves being tickled and kissed on the cheek. Somehow, she's decided that the rug next to her crib is where the tickling should take place, so no matter where we are in the apartment, she'll say "lots of kisses?" and "tickles?" and then run back to her room and lie on the floor.

The ultrasound part of the nuchal went fine. It took the tech 10 minutes or so to get him/her to hold still and get in the right position though. 10 minutes of jiggling my belly (yum!), having me cough vigorously (ouch! round ligament pain!), and tipping the table so my feet were above my head. Man, that kid moves! Every time I've seen him/her on the ultrasound recently, Punky is moving and grooving all over the place. The tech and the doctor both told me that everything looks perfect and I am going to assume that the blood work will say the same, but we'll see next weke.

Caspar Babypants live tomorrow! The girls' first show, if you don't count Ruby's salsa in the park last summer. Zazie and I are the most excited of all, I think.

Oh, and the nuchal's tomorrow

You now have the option of pricking your own finger and mailing the sample in so you can get results the day of. I washed and swabbed my finger, squeezed it a bunch... and then I just couldn't do it. And Zazie, my faithful IVF shot giver, refused to do it, saying fingertip was way worse than thigh. So they'll be taking my blood tomorrow and I'll get results in a week. Waiting is a small price to pay for not having to prick.

And.... I'm probably jumping the gun, since I'm just 13 weeks next Tuesday, but I'm meeting with a prospective doula next week. I love that everyone has a website now. You can get a pretty good feel for people, or at least you can eliminate the folks you know you DON'T want. Anyway, this doula's fairly new, but she has a few good reviews, she lives in our neighborhood, she's queer/size positive, she's a massage therapist, and she does sliding scale. Now to see if we click!

Our first award!

Thanks so much to More Than Words for our first-ever blog award! 

The Liebster Blog Award works like this:

Say thanks to the blogger who nominated you, and link back to them.

List 5 blogs (ideally with fewer than 200 followers) that you feel deserve the Liebster Award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

Copy and paste the award to your blog.

Here we go:
1. Lemonpuss
2. Pajama Mamas
3. Baby Bump
4. Love + Love = Marriage
5. Bionic Mamas

I'm full of bright ideas

I have all these ideas about what to write when I'm not writing. Now, I'm writing, and fuuuuuuuuuu.

Still pregnant. Still having the sick. Yesterday, the progression of shredded wheat/banana, washing my hair over the side of the tub, and then brushing my teeth led to yakking it all up. That was only the second time that's happened so far, but man.

Ru is having some nighttime issues. All of a sudden, she's a huge bundle of requests at bedtime. Squares blanket, not strawberry blanket. (Of course, if you don't get out of the room quick enough, she'll make you switch blankets again before you leave). Snuggle-buggles. Another book. (Despite the five books already in the crib). And the crying. And the Mama! Mama! Mommy! Mommy! Moooaaamaay! (The combo request, just in case). This happens as we're leaving the room and then usually about 30 minutes to an hour later. Of course, El might fight getting into bed at first, but once she's in? She's under the covers, turned on her side, and ready for sleep. We leave the room, Ru starts screaming, and when we go in, there's El still under her covers, saying a cheery "hello." Ah well. Last night, they both fell asleep pretty easily. El woke up around 2 (and went back to sleep) and then Ru woke up around 6 (and went back to sleep). I guess that's not too bad?

An Oh Sh&t Moment

This morning. On the train. Oh sh*t, we're going to have to apply for pre-k next spring. We don't particularly want to send them to the neighborhood school (we don't live in the best district). But in looking at the numbers NYC puts out, last year, they had nearly 150 applicants for 36 seats. Many MANY of the schools nearby show the same kind of numbers: 3-5x more applicants than seats. That's not even factoring in getting both girls into the same school. We could move, but our lease is up in July. We can't possibly be ready to leave by this July, and next July will be after the application deadline. Dude.

So many things!

First ultrasound was yesterday. She/he is measuring right on schedule, we saw the heartbeat. Only one more ultrasound and then we're cleared by the RE. Yes!

Ru peed in her potty! Night before last, she was running around and she started pulling down her diaper, so I asked if she wanted to go, she said yes, and she did it! Poor girl... Zazie was praising her, but I think she was embarrassed she'd peed in the potty (her first potty-using experience months ago involved poop and she was totally traumatized and wtf?!) until we both started saying "Yay Ru!" and clapping. She went again last night and this morning. Zazie bought Pu.llUps this morning, so we're going to put those on her during the day. I think she's going to get it quickly...  El is nowhere near potty-training time, but we're hoping that if Ru gets the hang of it, El will want to do it too.

In other news, what the heck am I supposed to eat? Everything makes me want to puke. I am not a squeamish delicate person, so I'm annoying myself with all the retching at smells. This morning, Zazie made chicken salad in the kitchen and I couldn't go in without thinking I might puke. Not that I've puked yet, but you never know when the first time might be. I have been craving Spr.ite, and that sucks because the corn syrup makes my stomach hurt. I just ate a slice of pizza successfully so whee! Other things that are ok: apples, bananas, crackers, microwave burritos, Macro.bars. I'm having difficulty with protein, though. Meat smell makes me ill, Phil. I'd been chewing on those ginger chews, but the sugar in them was throwing me off. I just bought some ginger capsules and hopefully those will do the trick.

The update

Last week was rough in spots. I kept coming across articles mentioning things that no newly pregnant lady should read- my child has a rare chromosomal disorder, I had to terminate my pregnancy because of the baby's horrible, life-threatening deformities, I miscarried at twelve weeks. Can we get to this nuchal test now please? Oh wait, dag. That's not going to be for another month and a half.

Ain't nothin' to it but to do it (something I heard a husband saying to his laboring wife, btw, and I think it's awesome and useful in so many situations). No reason to worry until there's a reason to worry, right? I am still not feeling 100% "there's a baby coming to our house in November" but I am inching toward feeling that way. Maybe by six months.

Sickness kicked in like clockwork yesterday. For those of you counting at home, today is six weeks. I have been eating ginger chews like crazy. I need to eat so often to avoid the gags- it's really feeling like annoying work and we're only two days in. How do you eat frequently when nothing is appealing? I'm feeling a little heartburn-y, too. If it's this way now, I'm really going to feel like sh*t toward the end.

Other than that, I'm fine.

Picture break before I talk some more about me Me ME! Haha. I wish I were as cool and cute as my kids. 

I feel like I got hit by a truck. Yesterday afternoon and this afternoon, it has been a struggle to keep my eyes open. Last night I went to bed on the early-ish side, but I woke up at 4 am to worry about stuff, including things that don't involve me at all- including a friend's mom's underfunded K!ck.starter effort. So maybe that's why I'm tired. 

As of yet, *knock wood* I haven't felt any queasiness, though I read somewhere that doesn't start until six weeks. That's Monday, but it seems hard to believe that it's going to hit like a switch turned on. I hope it doesn't, anyway. Aside from some cramping and occasional twinges like I've pulled something in my stomach when I move or turn too fast, I'm feeling not much different that I did before pregnant so far. 

This weekend, no plans yet. Maybe we'll take the girls to the zoo Saturday. 

Strange

In a weird twist, our donor's family now knows I'm pregnant, but our parents don't know.

(for anyone catching up, our donor was an open donor from a sp.erm bank. When he died two years ago, one thing led to another, and now we know all his sisters and his parents).

Last night was what would've been his 32nd birthday. Each year, his family does a shot of Jack in his honor. (Have I mentioned they're an awesome family?) His youngest sister happened to be in town last night, so we got on S.kype with everyone. I felt nervous about making the announcement so soon, but with his sister J's encouragement, I spilled the beans. How else was I going to explain the lack of shot-taking? Sisters are happy, mom is ecstatic, dad was... who knows? (he can be pretty stoic). We got some grandmotherly nagging about when we were coming down to visit them (in the spring, most likely).

I can't get over how weird and fantastic all of this new, crazy family is. I love it.

Seriously, I need someone to pay me for worrying.

The beta today is 2800. I don't have to go back to the doctor until an ultrasound on the 21st. Of course, now I'm looking up hcg calculators and putting my numbers in, just to give myself agita. If things weren't just fine, they wouldn't have me wait two weeks to go back in, they'd just keep checking my numbers. Shut up, brain.

Dang!

Writing every day? Huh? Who am I? 


Cute story Zazie just told me... 

This morning, Ru didn't realize you'd gone until after you most likely out of the building - she started calling for you and I said that you had just left. She started knocking on the front door and said, "Hey, Mama, I want to kiss you!"

Our donor's sister is coming for an overnight visit on her way through town. We're meeting her boyfriend, seems that they're getting pretty serious, so it'll be nice to meet him. We're going to tell her the news... I think she's going to be very excited!

How did you refer to your kid when they were on the inside?

We came up with the girls' names pretty quickly after we found out they were girls, so we called them their names while they were in utero ... I don't remember what we  called them before that. Our friends E and P are calling their baby "Bean." A. called her son "The Pierogi." My sister-in-law called her son "Fred"- something about B-fast at T.iffany's, if I remember? 

What did you call your kid when they were on the inside? 

Today's Update

Beta is 431, a little more than double what it was Tuesday. Yes!

Okay, really. Deep breaths now.

Zazie's IVF stuff was processed by our insurance, no problem. Apparently, this time around they really are trying to kill me. You know that part about how my meds were billed to my FSA, and how they fixed it? Well, no, they hadn't. I checked my account online to see if the issue had been resolved yet and it hadn't. My retrieval and transfer last week hadn't been covered and according to them, not only did I owe for the meds but I also owed for both procedures. That's thousands and thousands of dollars, people, and this well is nearly dry as it is. I called the insurance company and they told me I was over my lifetime maximum (which should cover at least 1 IVF procedure so wtf?) It turns out that they had billed for my meds not once, but THREE TIMES. THREE. It was a glitch, they're fixing it, but in the meantime, my doctor's office thinks that my insurance isn't paying anymore, so it won't be long before they start asking for payment up front. I am sure this will be resolved at some point, but my heart is racing and I feel a little shaky. This is not a good, healthy feeling and I really don't need this hanging over my head right now. Deep breaths... yes, I am trying to remain calm.

Your daily update

Beta yesterday was 198. The nurse said that was excellent, and who am I to question? I'll go in tomorrow for another test.

So I need to ask the wisdom of the internets about something. El has always, always loved to carry things around in her hands... anything in a package, her toy ice cream cone, etc. Lately, things have become a little coo-coo. When we go shopping at Tar.jay, we've gotten in the habit of getting them something from the $1 section at the front of the store. First thing El says is "Pick a toy?" when we get there. She's gotten a few of those gross rubber toys with the floppy spikes on them (not my best description, hope you get what I'm talking about). These guys (Froggy and Green Guy) are not allowed to leave her sight, she's always holding one in her hand. She plays with them, she takes them out of the house with her, she bathes with them. We always make her put her toys down while she eats. She usually doesn't like it, but she'll put them down without too much complaint. Except for these damn green toys. She cried and yelled for at least a half an hour at dinner. Once she gets to screaming like that, she pushes her plate/cup away and there's really no consoling if she remembers that Green Guy is anywhere in the vicinity. Last night after her flip out, we let her take Green Guy to bed with her though it has these obnoxious lights inside that light when you touch it. Once she was asleep, we snuck in and took it out of her crib because we didn't want it to wake her up. Guess who she remembered immediately on waking this morning? Yeah. What the heck? Any advice or kind reassurance that this stage won't last forever?

That was pretty gross?

Was it gross that I posted the entire test in my last post? Should I have included just the "Yay! Two lines!" part of the test? Sorry, guys.

Official blood test this morning. I assume my numbers will be good. Of course, I am a half-empty glass kind of girl so I will probably not let myself believe that everything is going well until the baby is on the outside.

Guess I need to figure out a doctor soon. A few good friends of ours have given birth with the midwifery practice at a hospital and they really liked it but it's in Union Square and I work much further downtown. There's another practice a little closer to work in Soho that has a lab and all ultrasound stuff onsite that also has a midwife, but they deliver at a hospital where my friend had a pretty traumatic birth. Or someplace else? Geez. I haven't decided 100% whether I'll go drug-free, but I'm leaning that direction.

Well...

It worked!

Still waiting.

I could've tested yesterday, but it was my birthday (and my parents are here), so I decided to skip it. Today, parents were here. I will test tomorrow, right before I go to the doctor for the blood test. I haven't had my period yet, so that's got to be a good sign. This could be really exciting or it could really suck. We shall see.

Insurance company gives me a heart attack.

I am still shaking.

I went online to check how much money I had in my FSA. Medical had put a $11000 charge in for all my meds. All my money was gone and apparently, I owed $8000. I was told when I placed the order that everything would be covered except shipping. But then you start second-guessing yourself- maybe I heard what I wanted to hear?

Why you tryin to give me a heart attack, insurance company?

I called them. I gave my story to five different dumb @ssholes. All of them passed the buck and I had to give my story to someone new. By the time I got to rep #6, I explained the story to her and then I said "Look, I've explained this a bunch of times and I'm beginning to lose my patience." Thankfully, she said it was obvious it should've been covered 100%, she put it back to be reprocessed, I should have the money back in a couple weeks.

Whew. I am still shaky.

I just don't freakin' know.

How do I feel? Exhausted, weird, twingy, crampy. All the things that might be signs I'm preggo or might be signs that I've been faithfully doing my proges.terone like I'm supposed to. I feel like I might be, but again, all of my symptoms can pretty much be chalked up to the drugs they've got me on. I do feel different though.

In a moment of perfect timing (not), my parents are coming to visit this weekend. My dad has come to visit once the entire time we've been in NYC (nearly 13 years). My parents are unaware that anything's been happening- we told them when we were trying for the girls, but this time, my lip is zipped. Time to hide the meds and the prenatal vitamins! I'm a little anxious about their visit... will they want to die cooped up in our apartment all weekend? (my dad has declared he won't be walking) Will they think the girls are terribly misbehaved? (Probably- they were pretty strict with my sister and I) I guess it'll be a distraction, at the very least, right?

It's also my birthday Sunday (37! What?! Anyone want to take a few of these years, I swear I can't be this old!). My mom has promised that they'll watch the girls Saturday night so we can go out. That'll be good. We haven't had a date in months. Sadly, even the embryo transfer felt like a date because we had some time alone, it's been so long.

Blood test is next Tuesday. Zazie doesn't think we should test before then. I guess I'm going to go along with it. No point in getting upset until there's a reason.

What will I do with myself in the coming weeks?

Oh, man. It is going to be a long few weeks. I already feel different- slightly crampy, slightly twinge-y, just weird. I know that isn't even possible this soon, so whatever! I am going to chalk it up to just weirdness due to the *ahem* invasiveness of the procedure and the aftermath. I will ignore it! I am feeling things that obviously are in my imagination, since nothing is supposed to happen until 2-4 days after the transfer.

Transferred.

So that went better than expected. After some harrowing minutes in traffic, we made it nearly on time. Both embryos made it to today. One had 8 cells, one 7. They put the 8 in. They asked if we wanted to let the other go to day 5 for freezing... We hadn't even signed the consent form for cryo, since in our consultation they didn't even think it was a possibility! We're letting it go for now, but of course, we can't afford the storage. Oh well. Point is that the matter-of-fact German doctor said we have a good chance! Whee! Stick, little dude, stick!!

Normally, this would make me puke...

... but today, it made me a little teary.

Happy valentine's day!

I suck at holidays. And birthdays. I either forget or I come up with something pretty unmeaningful (yeah, it's not a word). Forget Valentine's, I even stink at celebrating Christmas. Poor Zazie. This year, inspired by K's post about her tradition with her dad, I got the girls balloons (I'll save the flowers for later). I still don't have anything for Zazie. Crappy drugstore valentine's cards or chocolate don't reflect how I feel at all, and it's too late to make something, so hmmm.

Every year, Zazie's done a special Valentine's Day picture with the girls. This year, she tried to get them to say Happy Valentine's Day on video. First, they said "Happy birthday!" Then they said "Happy New Year's!" She was finally able to get them close... they said "Happy balance beam!" Well, okay, then, girls. You could be cuter but I'm not sure how that's possible.

Oh, wait. How about the weird game where they turn their mini Swedish retailer chairs (rhymes with Schmikea) over on their sides, stand between the legs and the seat and "make D!et C0ke." We don't drink a ton of it, we certainly don't make it. This morning, I even got to try a sip.

Yesterday, I was also requested to play music on the raccoon while Ru played music on her "magic" (a bubble wand).

They're either making you crazy or making you want to die of cuteness.

The results are in.

Just as I hit publish, I got a phone call.

Well, *deep breath* three retrieved, two fertilized. There may have been some other information, like quality, but honestly, the nurse that called has a really thick accent and I couldn't f*cking understand her. Knowing about quality doesn't matter too much, I suppose, since it's going to work or not regardless.

I was saying I just needed one, yes? Okay. Motherf*cker.

Waiting...

The hours tick on and I'm still waiting to hear from the RE's office about how many eggs were retreived and how many fertilized from the retrieval yesterday. Butterflies!

IVF is hopefully going to give us what we want, but I have to say that it is quite traumatizing for me, too. As someone with few health problems, I haven't had to have many surgeries in my life. All of these needles and bruises, going under anesthesia yesterday, it's a lot to take. It's pretty scary to go into a room and lay on a table with your legs up in the air/strapped down and then get put under, knowing they'll be digging around in your lady bits. I had no problems with the anesthesia, minimal cramping... I felt pretty sleepy yesterday, but I took a nap in the afternoon and felt fine after.

I G0.0gled around looking for information on when implantation might happen so I'd be able to time my acupuncture appointments. From what I've read you should have acupuncture immediately before and immediately after transfer.  I would love to go day of, but my acupuncture place doesn't have anyone working Thursday. I don't really feel like going somewhere else and having another intake interview just to go there once, so I guess I'll go tomorrow and Friday when my place is open. And then again, whenever implantation is supposed to happen. Unfortunately, it seems like everyone has a different answer on implantation timing. I am going to stop G.00gling now because I was going to a worry place (ie I read something about day 3 transfers and how you can't tell which embryos might be successful at that point). I am trying not to worry this week!

Something else I read in my web travels suggested that you watch only happy movies and listen to happy music. Another board recommended having Chinese food on the day of the transfer, but the Chinese in our neighborhood stinks, so we're going to do Thai. I hope this RE phone call doesn't f- that up. Whatever, I'm just going to be positive and give it up to the universe! 

The glass struggles to be half-full

I thought last night's shots were the last, but no, after the doctor appt today, she advised one more set this morning before the trigger shot this evening. I feel like a pincushion after two weeks of two shots a day, plus blood tests every other day, plus acupuncture. I am trying not to be down, but damn. Four follicles, two of them on the small side. I know what my chances are (10-20%), and at first, I felt confident that I'd be lucky. But after all the shots and ultrasounds and only ending up with four, I'm preparing myself that it probably isn't going to work. It isn't fair.

I just need one good one, I just need one good one, I just need one good one

Iffy news at the doc. Only 4 kept growing. Damn my low follicular reserve. Retrieval's Monday, I assume transfer is Thursday since most likely they'll do a day 3 transfer. We're only putting in one, so I only need one good one. I am trying to stay glass half full, which goes completely against my nature, and not go to the what if place. What if only one fertilizes and that one craps out? I hope that my good luck in life thus far holds out, not that this is a matter of luck. So meh.

On another note, this no caffeine, no booze thing sucks. All I wanted after the sh*tty appointment Tuesday was a friggin' cup of coffee. I decided to drop even decaf (except in special circumstances) when I felt super-crazy after a couple cups of it. I think that the super-crazy's probably from my nerves about this whole process, but you can never tell and better safe than sorry.  I've been drinking Celestial S.eason.ing's Roastaroma. It smells nearly like coffee, and doesn't taste too bad either. Speaking of tea,  every blend of that Yog.i tea I try has something in it that trips my gag reflex... I think Y.ogi tea and I will just have to agree to disagree.

That part's done

We went and signed the dumb form today. Yesterday when I called the doctor's office to schedule a time, they told me that they didn't encourage people to bring kids. Too bad for them, then, because we really didn't have a choice. We took them in their strollers, they instantly took us to a room to wait, and we were in and out quickly. Total time from parking our car at the garage and including the time it took us to buy a bagel and eat it? 45 minutes. Right on.

Acquaintances of ours whose daughter is a few months younger than the girls just announced that the other mom is pregnant. Why does that give me a pang? We are trying to get pregnant right now (hopefully, successfully), so why the twinge?!

Whoops.

So our stupid bank sent s!per.m to Zazie's attention instead of mine, even though my name is on the account and I'm the one who called and ordered it. Der.

This morning, when I went in for monitoring, I tried to straighten it out. First, they had me meet with a social worker who told me that I had to get Zazie to come in to the office to sign. I explain our situation (Brooklyn, twins, etc.), she seems to say that I can sign papers by myself, I wait another 10 minutes for the coordinator to come in. She walks in to my waiting room like no one had filled her in and asks the same questions. Except she's refusing to let me switch the vials to my name without Zazie's sig. I explain that the bank screwed up, the account's in my name, babysitting/parking fees/time off work to come in- doesn't matter. The coordinator suggests that I could have the bank send a tank, they'll send the vials back, and then they could reship it under my name. That was such an absurd suggestion.

Oh, man. I completely lost my cool with her and with the social worker, and then went out on the street and bawled like a baby on the phone to Zazie. It really isn't a huge deal, I know they were just doing their jobs, but what the hell? Whatever, the girls are going to get a trip to the city tomorrow morning before I have to go to work, I guess.

I should've known I was going to have a bad day- a fire-and-brimstone old lady preacher got on our car and was loudly preaching and walking back and forth. I tried to get away from her and she kept finding her way back near me. I actually said something like "Please lady, it's too early in the morning for that" (Seriously, 6:30 is a b*tch) as I tried to get away from her. I had to switch cars to get away from her!

Oh, and I now have 5 or 6 follicles!

Not positive, not exactly negative either

I went to the RE this morning. After five days of meds, I have 3 follicles at 11, and 3 that are "too small to know how they'll turn out." I think I heard the doctor say one of those too small ones was at 10. This office requires you to have at least 3 follicles to continue your IVF cycle, so that part's good news. I figure there's not that much difference between 10 and 11, so there's hope for that one (let's not discuss the actual numeric comparison, ie if you're talking about mm, the difference between 10 and 11 is sizable). I'm going to eat lots of protein this week. I don't know if that'll help, but I'm going to imagine that it will, since friends of ours (Hi S.!) told us that her acupuncturist recommended lots of meat and full-fat dairy.

I'll be eating a burger with avocado and following that up with peanut butter ice cream. Doctor's orders. If not now, when? Right?

Figured it out!

The b00b thing? We let them watch that Babies documentary.... Lots of breastfeeding. We have our answer.

In other news, the girls gave their schepels (pacifiers) to their friend Baby Joe. First night went alright and everyone got some sleep. Whew. They've mentioned them a couple times today, but no screaming fits. This might turn out ok.

Cute things and one weird thing.

The girls have taken to saying "Best ever!" when they're having a good time doing something, like dancing during our nightly dance party. Ru's rules dictate that the dance party must begin with one song only: Mama Loocie. If you try to change the order of songs, she'll yell "dance party! dance party!" I guess dance party=Mama Loocie? After that, she requests "See you later all-gator". El is just happy to dance and jump and run around the room. And speaking of El, she's taken to saying "perfeck" (perfect) when she likes something.

Speaking of El, we were at the park last weekend when she heard a kid crying. She walked over, stood next to him and said "Sorry kid. Feel better?" It was very sweet.

Now onto the weird. They've both been getting crazy during song and story time before bed... talking loudly, jumping, laughing. They get so wound up. Zazie and Ru have a game where Ru pokes her and she makes noise, ie Ru touches Zazie's lips, she makes a raspberry. The newest addition is that Ru will poke your neck. I guess the first time she did it, Zazie made a sort of strangle-y noise. And now it's a game and all she wants to do is poke me in the neck while I'm trying to sing their bedtime songs. It is hiLARious. Last night, she grabbed my b.00bs and wobbled them around, saying "Where's the baby?" I, of course, told her those were my private body parts, but where did that even come from? What the hell?

Today it Starts

I had vials shipped to the doctor today. Tonight, I start the meds. I can't believe the day is here. It's a little scary to realize that I've been cramming for this test that's completely out of my control through diet and acupuncture and soon I know whether I pass or I fail. I know that isn't the right terminology, but I have to admit that it feels that way. I've always had confidence in my body- it might not look perfect, but it's served me well over the years. I feel differently after learning that I might have problems getting pregnant... what the hell did I do to deserve that? Oh, yeah. Smoking for years, drinking too much, possible sh*tty heredity (my mom went into menopause early). Zazie points out that there's no way to know if any of those things contributed or whether it's just a sh*tty fluke. So whatever. How unfair that getting pregnant isn't a test you can pass through your own skill- it's just up to fate!

The docs have talked to us about the number of embryos to put in. (Knock on wood the cycle works at all). We've decided on one. We already have twins, we can't handle another set and I can't bear the thought of a "selective reduction" if we were blessed with another two. I just think about what would happen if we'd selectively reduced Ru or El... they are both so fantastic and delicious that the thought of missing out on one of them makes me teary. I feel really solid on this decision but I occasionally I get a "what if this doesn't work because we decided to put in one and I'm SOL?" I get one shot at this IVF thing. If it doesn't work, my insurance won't cover a whole additional cycle (we'd have to pay out-of-pocket for about half and we don't have money for that). So this it. The last (and only) hurrah. What kind of freaking hurrah involves weeks of doctors visits, ultrasounds, medsmedsmeds, and possibly ends in nothing but a period?

I am trying to be content in our decision. I've pulled out all my talismans. I've been wearing the Virgin Mary necklace my friend A wore for many years.  I've been wearing the liger shirt I wore when we were trying with Ru and El because it reminded me of a childhood picture of our donor. Under our bed, I have dandelions from Ireland given to us by a friend who swears by her family's fertility tradition. I've been breathing deep and praying. That's all I can do for now. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.